


Wasting away till I’m skin and bones

by Smugdendingle



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Body Dysmorphia, Eating Disorder, Going into Robert’s thoughts and how he feels, M/M, Mental Health Illness/Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Second person approach writing from now on, Self - Harm, Triggers, bit of a slow burn?, hospitalised
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 20:24:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18017828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smugdendingle/pseuds/Smugdendingle
Summary: Robert develops an Eating Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. When he looked at himself in the mirror, and saw his normal body weight - he saw himself  as fat. He will go out of his way to lose weight. Which doesn’t help him when other people make innocent jokes about him.Will people notice the weight loss or will they be blinded by Robert’s lies and excuses?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have changed the first and second chapter as I was unhappy with the writing. Instead, I’ve changed the setting of the writing to second person than first person.

Wasting away till I’m skin and bones. - title. 

Robert walked down the stairs since staying in bed for an extra 10 minutes trying to go back to sleep. He heard his husbands voice downstairs, arguing with that overly expensive coffee machine as he keeps calling it that. Robert smiled when he saw his little sister and Aaron sat at the kitchen table, eating their breakfast. 

“ Good mornin’, “ He smiled at them, accepting the black coffee off Aaron. 

“ You were tired weren’t ya? “ Aaron commented at him as he bit into his buttery toast. 

Robert hummed knowledgeably.   
“ I was kept up all last night. “ He smirked, and shared a look towards Aaron. 

Liv rolled her eyes and pretending to be sick.   
“ Seriously? I don’t need to hear about it, at least don’t say it whilst I’m in the room. “ 

He and Aaron chuckled as he carried on eating his second piece of toast and he gulped down his black coffee. 

“ Are you going to get the college bus or do you want me to drive you? “ Robert asked the teen. 

She shrugged her shoulders and looked at the time on her iPhone. “ Yeh if you can, I’m gonna miss it anyway. “ she grumbled lowly. 

Robert nodded his head.   
“ Right. I’ll just go get changed. “ He announced. He went up the spiral staircase and went into their bedroom. He got out his favourite black jeans, since he rarely wore them. He put them on and noticed how they’re a bit tight. He swallowed down the denial and guilt. He tugged the jeans higher and fastened the zip and button. He saw his reflection in the mirror and noticed how his stomach pushes the front of the jeans forward a bit. 

How has he gone this fat? Has he really let himself go that much? 

He blinked back the tears as he felt so guilty and ashamed. He put on his shirt and you can see bit of his stomach. Robert sighs heavily and feels wave of insecurity wash through him. The pain in his chest aching from the reflection of himself. 

How has he not noticed he’s gained weight? Has everybody else noticed? Maybe they have all been laughing at him behind his back? He’s such a fat pig. 

Robert walked out of the bedroom and goes downstairs. He feels guilty and ashamed of himself. He sees Liv by the front door waiting for him. Aaron is sipping on his tea at the table still. Robert smiled weakly at him. He pecked his cheek with a gentle kiss and left with Liv. 

::::::::::::: 

After driving Liv to College. Robert goes to the scrapyard and tries to do some work. The numbers and words doubling as he cannot concentrate on anything. 

Does Aaron noticed how fat I’ve gotten? Does he and Liv laugh at me and share a sniggering look when I eat food? 

He sighs again and looks down at his body. Maybe when he ate those packet of Doritos - Aaron was just holding back a comment. He did call him tubby when he wanted those donuts, was he hinting at him that Robert was chubby? And now he’s actually gone fat? 

Robert carries on doing his documents and replying back to the emails that’ve been waiting for him. He ignores the rumble and grumble of his stomach. He hates how he’s hungry and it’s only 10:00am, maybe it’s because he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday? He laughs to himself. It’s just the fat, disappointment that’s hungry again. 

::::::::::::::: 

Aaron walks in the Woolpack and wraps an arm around his husbands waist. Robert holds a breath and tenses a little. How can he stand to even touch me? 

“ Are you getting anything to eat? “ He asks Robert with a curious look. Robert holds back a bitter laugh. 

How can he eat anymore? He’s already fat, he can’t get any fatter. 

Instead, he shakes his head. Robert carries on drinking his beer not wanting to eat. He tries to ignore the concerned look on his husbands face, another thing to add to Robert’s guilt of self hatred. 

“ You haven’t eaten anything since yesterday Rob, you only had that coffee and now beer. “ 

Robert shrugs his shoulders wishing he can let this drop. “ I’m not hungry, “ He replies. “ you can eat something though. “ He smiled weakly at him, hoping that excuse can work successfully. It does, he asks for a burger and chips as they move to the booth by the window. 

When the food comes for Aaron He can feel his stomach growl again. He gulps down more of his beer hoping it will settle his fat stomach. 

Robert looks at Aaron’s food and it does look really nice. Then he feels so guilty after thinking that. 

“ This is really nice, “ Aaron comments biting into the juicy burger. “ you should get one Rob. “ he suggests. 

Is Aaron doing this on purpose? Is he deliberately trying to get him fatter so he can leave him? To make Robert a laughing stock, and have more people laughing and sniggering at him? 

“ No it’s alright. “ Robert comments back. He refuses to get even bigger. Maybe this is his punishment? Because he’s so ugly and fat it’s payback for all the hurtful and stupid things he’s done in the past. 

Aaron shrugs his shoulders unbothered and carries on eating his lunch. “ What you been doing today then? “ he asks his husband. 

A part from being a fat pig? Robert nearly says. “ Just been replying back to emails and forms. “ He tells him instead. 

“ Sounds delightful. . “ 

He hums back, his mind preoccupied by the swelling insecurity of his weight. 

“ We need more food at the house. “ Aaron mentions. 

What? More for the fat pig?

“ Really? “ Robert lets out. “ I thought we’re doing alright. “ he told him. 

“ We need some more bread, milk and other stuff. “ Aaron tells him. 

Robert nods his head and gulps the last of his beer. “ Okay. Do you want me to get it? Or.. “ he trails off. 

“ Yeh If you want. “ Aaron says flatly. 

Robert nods his head and starts to get out of his seat. Does anyone notice he’s chubby?   
Robert says bye to his husband and walks out of the pub. He can hear the echoed laugh as he leaves. 

Are they laughing at him? 

Robert smiles politely at David as he carries on talking to Jacob. Robert gets the food Aaron wants. He places all the food in the basket and feels the hunger approach him again. How can he still be hungry? Surely his body has enough fatness to work on? He needs to lose weight not turn into more of a whale. Robert carries on walking to the beers and wines and grabs two 6 packs, and two straight and flavoured vodka bottles. He needs something to ignore the thoughts and hunger. 

“ Having a party are you? “ David comments. He scans the alcohol as he hands them back to Robert. 

He shakes his head and frowns. David looks at Robert suspiciously and he tenses again. 

Has he noticed how fat he is? 

“ No. “ Robert replies shortly. 

David nods his head awkwardly, he looks like he wants to say some. Is he biting his tongue to comment Robert has gained weight? Hs says thanks and heads out of the shop and walks back to the Mill. 

Robert puts all the food into the cupboards and hides his beers and spirits upstairs in his bedside table. He doesn’t want Liv having any with her past drinking problems. Also he doesn’t want to worry Aaron about him. Aaron can’t stress himself with worry over the fat mess of a husband he has. 

Robert takes off off his clothes in front of the mirror, he stares intensely at himself. He notes how his arms are little chubby, his chest not defined and his thighs are thick. Robert’s eyes travel down to look at his stomach. He turns to the side and sees how it bulges out a little bit. 

He’s fat. 

Robert wipes away a fallen tear from his eye. How can he go out like this? 

The man puts on his pyjamas before taking a big swig of the beer. He takes another 3 gulp fulls till it becomes empty.

Robert deserves this. All the people in the village are laughing at him because how fat he is and he hasn’t even noticed. 

Robert heads downstairs to put the television on, not bothering with work anymore. Eventually he falls asleep on the couch from the beers he’s had.   
The last thoughts running through his head are how much he’s let himself go. He was once so defined, toned and strong but now he has turned into a blob of fat. Aaron is going to leave him, who would want to stay with a fat person? He is a disappointment, coward and embarrassment who deserves nothing but happiness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger - self - harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have changed this chapter to second person approach. I was really unhappy with this chapter, and found mistakes as well. There may be still mistakes in this, sorry! I will be changing the first chapter as well.

Robert stirs awake hearing voices and when it all becomes clearer it’s Aaron and Liv. He looks down and quickly yanked his t-shirt down as you could see his stomach. He felt embarrassment run through his vein. Am I really that fat that my shirt rolled up? Have they noticed my top showing my stomach?   
He gets up and stretched being extra careful of that mistake to not to happen again. He walks over to Liv and Aaron and awkwardly accepts the cup of tea from his husband. He smiles weakly at him. 

“ What time did you two come in? “ He asked. He felt unsure and confused when they both frowned and give him a funny look. 

“ We came back yesterday at 17:00, you were slumped on the coach stinkin’ of booze. “ Liv told him with a slight huff and she looked a little worried. 

Aaron nodded in agreement.   
“ I cleared all your beer cans off the coffee table and floor. You were unresponsive. “ He told Robert with a worried voice. If Robert could look closer towards Aaron he could see his eyes look a little red. 

He’s been crying because of me? Why? I’m a waste of time anyway. 

Robert frowned. “ I only had 2 or 3 cans.” 

Surely I only had that amount? I can’t remember having anymore than 3. Why are they bothered anyway? No one cares about the fat whale. 

Aaron sighed. “ I cleared away 7. “ 

“ oh. “ Robert lets out. “ well it doesn’t matter does it. “ He shrugs his shoulders unbothered and carry on sipping on his semi warm coffee. 

“ Rob you never drink like that! I’ve known you for 3 years! “ Liv nearly shouted. I’ve done this to them. I’ve caused more hassle. 

Robert sighed softly. I don’t want to upset them even more. “ I just fancied a few. “ he lies. 

“ And that’s it? “ Aaron questioned, but it’s like he’s testing me. 

He nodded slowly. “ Yeh. “ He tries to smile but it feels so forced. 

You are pathetic. You are a pathetic little fatty, who no one even loves you. You are a failure, a fat disappointment and even Aaron, Liv, Victoria and everyone else will leave you behind. You are nothing, your just in the way. 

You just exist. 

Robert thinks to himself. He don’t notice Aaron talking to him worriedly or Liv clicking her fingers in his face. Robert jumps a bit, and looks shocked. 

“ Are you with me? You just spaced out on us. “ Aaron stroked his husbands hand with a soft smile. 

He cleared his throat awkwardly again. “ Y-Yeh fine.” 

Aaron and Liv looked unconvinced by his blunt lie but he desperately wants them to back off. He love them to bits but they shouldn’t be worrying about the embarrassment. 

“ Liv your going to be late for the college bus. “ Aaron told her, his voice was controlled and firm. Liv nodded her head, and she fled the Mill sensing an argument bubbling. “ I didn’t see you eat once yesterday. “ Aaron told his husband firmly. He sounded angry but his face showing no anguish. 

“ Just wasn’t hungry. “ lie. They are already laughing at me aren’t they? “ I did eat, at the scrapyard.” Another lie again. Aaron doesn’t really care. He’s just waiting for the moment to divorce me, because his fat husband is just a pathetic pig. 

Aaron hummed unconvinced.   
“ Right okay. “ he says heavily.   
“ Are you hungry now? “ he questions with a suspicious look. 

“ No. “ 

“ Really? You haven’t eaten since leaving the scrapyard and that was 23 hours ago! Nearly a day! “ 

Robert swallowed thickly. He hates seeing Aaron so distressed.. He shouldn’t give me two figs about me.   
He doesn’t need me. But I need him. 

“ I eat something when I was drinking. “ Robert excuses. 

“ That was still 17 hours ago! “ Aaron raises his voice. 

“ Aaron it’s fine, I’m fine. Stop stressing. “ He snaps harshly. 

Aaron looks taken back. “ I’m only worrying ‘bout ya. “ 

“ Well stop then! “ Robert shouted at him. He feels anger coming in waves and suddenly feels light headed. He sees two Aaron’s in front of him. He jogs up the stairs and straight in the bathroom to lock it before throwing up in the toilet. The booze from yesterday coming up. Robert has this itch under his skin. He has this urge to cut himself, needing a release.   
He needs a reminder why he’s a disappointment. Why can’t I be like other blokes? Who are toned and thin but with me I gain loads of weight and become fat. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be guilty when I eat. 

Aaron won’t be seeing your fat body anyway will he? He probably catch something off you, you probably crush him from all your weight.   
Fat, fat, fat little pig, cowa- 

Robert presses the razor to his arm. The thoughts instantly stopping. He lets out a breath of relief. It feels good. The thoughts and guilt slipping away as he presses a second and then a third to his arm. He sees the lines with blood seeping out. He feels like he can finally breathe again, it’s like everything has faded away.   
He deserves to feel this pain. 

“ Rob!-Robert! Open the door! “ 

He can hear Aaron shouting from outside the bathroom door. How long has he been there for? I didn’t even hear him call for me. Did he follow me up? 

Robert panicky looks around quickly and sees the dark blue gown. He quickly puts it on and winces from the stings of his arm. Robert opens the door slowly and sees Aaron’s sick worried look. 

“ What you’ve been doing in there? “ Aaron demands. 

“ N-nothing. “ He say quickly. “ I was just calming down, I’m sorry alright. I shouldn’t of snapped at ya. “ He says softly not wanting to upset him even more. 

He caused this upset for Aaron. 

Aaron seems to believes him and he hugs his husband tightly. Robert makes sure his arm doesn’t touch him as you can see the blood through the sleeve. 

“ It’s Alright. “ He reassures. “ I’m gonna take a shower. “ 

“ Haven’t you got work? “ Aaron questions confusingly. 

“ I have a meeting at 12:00. “ He tells him. 

“ Who with? “ 

Why is he asking so many questions for? 

“ With Mr Williams. “ He answers. 

Aaron nods his head and seems to physically relax a little. “ Okay, do you want to meet me at the Woolpack? We can all have tea together. “ 

The idea just makes me sick. He’s doing it on purpose, isn’t it? He wants people to laugh at me and make fun of me. 

“ I - er fine. “ Robert stutters. He smiles weakly when Aaron pecks his cheek. Robert closes the door again and leans against it. He breathes out a deep breath, a breathe he didn’t know he was holding onto. 

How I’m I going to get out of not eating? All their eyes staring at me. I bet they think how much more I can stuff into my fat mouth. 

He moves to the mirror and looks in the reflection. He looks at his stomach which is flat but he can hold onto the skin with both hands. 

How have I gotten so big? 

Robert walks into the shower and drops the gown as well as taking off the rest of his clothes. He looks down at his body and feels ashamed. The water stings when it touches his arm as he gasp a little, but he ignores it. 

He knows he deserves this. 

::::::: 

Robert’s arm still aches and stings when he moves his arm but carries on to ignore it. It’s to remind himself how much of a mess up he is. He needs to keep quite and stay good because he can’t possibly loose his home, his husband or little sister. 

The client is a old bloke, who is just a rude, nasty and snotty man. Robert can’t believe he’s the one to deal with him. The client doesn’t like Robert anymore, since he expressed his opinion about the clients company. 

They have never gotten on since. 

“ Hello, Mr Sugden. “ He greets fake cheerfully, with a plastered smile on his old wrinkly face. 

Robert forced a smile and shakes his hand. “ Hello Mr Williams. “ 

“ Let’s just get straight to the point of this meeting today. “ he tells Robert firmly, not in the mood to make small talk. Robert looks a little taken back from his rude manner. “ I have been working with Home James for 2 years now, I would like to renew the contract because i, and the business, would like to carry on working with you. “ 

Robert clears his throat. He feels ill, dizzy, sick can’t think straight. “ Oh - right okay. “ He stutters embarrassedly. How pathetic does he look? He’s so stupid that he can’t even talk to a client correctly. “ You can just sign - “ 

Mr Williams signs the paper, not letting Robert finish his sentence. Robert sits there awkwardly opposite him, waiting for him to complete his signature. 

“ Why are you so flustered Mr Sugden? “ He tells the blonde man unimpressed. 

“ I - I’m not. “ Robert stutters again weakly. 

He huffs slightly. “ Maybe you should get something to eat? You might be hungry. “ he tells him nearly smirking as he looks at Robert up and down. He’s implying Robert’s fat. 

He swallows thickly and forces a smile politely. Robert nods numbly. They go their separate ways as Robert heads to his car. Robert rests his head against the headrest and tries to bite back a sob. 

He feels so stupid. Robert feels so indifferent like he is this massive hassle, a big fat problem that’s just in the way all the time. 

Robert’s phone beeps and smiles weakly at the text off his husband. The smile slowly fades away when he reads the message. 

Aaron - Remember to meet us at the pub. Me and Liv might be a bit late. love you x 

How can he love me? All you have to do is look at me and feel repulsed by the sight of me. 

He replies anyway. 

:::::::

“ Hello love, “ Chas speaks to her son in law, he forces a small smile at her. “ You are looking a bit pale love, are you okay? “ she asks concerned. 

Why does she care about me? Didn’t she once hate me and want me dead? It’s fake concern, she doesn’t care. She is only doing it for her son. 

“ Fine. “ Robert pushes out not sounding fine at all but it works. 

“ Aaron and Liv coming or.. “ She trails off. 

He knew it. She only wants them, she doesn’t care about him one bit. 

“ Yeh in about - “ 

“ Oh speaking of the devil. “ Chas smiles seeing her son and Liv coming through the door. 

“ You alright mum. “ Aaron says to her. Robert weakly smiles at him when Aaron pecks his cheek. 

“ You alright heavy. “ Liv jokes at Robert and he feels his stomach hit the ground. The wave of sickness going over him in massive waves. It’s true isn’t it? Liv has noticed how fat He is? Meaning, everyone else has noticed how enormous he is. 

“ Why you calling heavy love? “ Chas asks her with a frown. 

She smirks. “ Yesterday me and Aaron couldn’t move him. “ Liv says with a laugh. Robert blinks away tears. He can’t show how pathetic he looks. The itching returns and all he wants to do is feel that pain again. To need that release so he can breathe. 

“ He drank too much and me and him, “ she points her head towards her brother. “ We tried moving him upstairs but gave up in the end.” Liv finishes with a laugh. 

Aaron grins. “ You would think I was used to carrying heavy weight. “ 

Robert bite back the urge to sob, biting the inside of his cheek painfully. They are calling him fat in front of his face! They have noticed how big he is. Are hinting at him to sort it out? Robert can hear all three of them laugh, no doubt about him. All he wants to do is run out of here. To see how far his fat legs will take him. 

“ What would you like to eat? “ Chas asks the three of them. Robert isn’t listening, he is in his own world. 

“ I’ll have the pizza, and a beer please. “ Aaron tells his mum with a small smile. 

“ Burger and chips and can I have a chocolate milkshake? “ Liv tells her with a hesitant look. 

Chas writes the foods down into her notepad with a polite smile. “ Marlon has the chefs favourite today. “ she tells them with a nearly pleading look in her eyes. 

“ What is it? “ Aaron asks with a slight frown. His forehead crinkling. 

“ Fish pie with chips. “ she says simply. 

Liv frowns. “ Didn’t he ready do Fish pie and chips? 

“ No he just did fish pie. “ 

Aaron sighs and shakes his head. “ No thanks mum. “ he grumbles. “ Robert. “ He says. He nudges Robert’s shoulder only now realising he hasn’t spoken a word. 

“ What? “ Robert asks. He notices all their eyes on him. Hw feels his cheeks going hot. 

“ Do you want something to eat? “ Chas repeats for him. 

Are they being for-real? 

“ No. “ Robert said bit too sharply. “ No, thanks. “ he mumbles softer. 

“ Are you sure love? “ 

“ You haven’t eaten all day! “ 

“ You must be hungry! “ 

There are so many questions being fired at him, that he doesn’t know what to say. He swallows down the lump in his throat. He feels like he is about to cry. 

“ I’ll have another beer thanks. “ Robert smiles forcefully. How can he sit with them after finally knowing what they think of him?   
They must be so embarrassed. 

“ Err actually no, no thanks Chas. I feel bit off so I’ll just go home. “ He lies, hoping they’ll just leave the fatty alone. 

Aaron look concerned all sudden and it just makes Robert feel even more pathetic. 

“ what’s wrong? Are you okay? “ he asks his husband fearfully. It takes everything out of Robert to not turn away from him because he is touching his waist. 

“ just feel sick and tired. “ he responds, not far from the truth. 

“ You do look under the weather love. “ Chas tells him with the same worried look on her face as Aaron. 

Robert hums. “ I’ll best head back, have a sleep. “ 

“ Do you - “ 

“ No, no it’s fine. “ He smiles at his husband. He says bye and sorry again to all of them and leaves the Woolpack. He’ll leave all of them to talk behind his back and laugh at him at his own suspense. 

Robert walks into the Mill and goes into the bathroom as he puts his hands firmly on the sink till his knuckles go white. Robert has few tears dripping from his eyes and that urge to hurt himself becomes stronger. 

Aaron and Liv know that he’s fat and they didn’t say anything to him. Have they known for months and decided not to tell him because of his feelings? No it can’t be that, no one cares about him that much. They have just been laughing at Robert the whole time. Whilst he had a blanked eye. Robert shakily gets the razor as he starts to cry. He slumps down against the bath and cuts his arm repeatedly, everyone hates him, he hates himself. He deserves all this pain.   
He has been such a nasty person whole of his life so maybe he does deserve this. Aaron is going to leave him sooner or later. Aaron is going to notice how much of a big mess Robert is. Aaron is much more stronger than he is. Robert needs him more than he needs Robert. He can’t function without him. Then there’s Liv, He sees her as his little sister but she wouldn’t care about him if anything happened. Liv would go off with her brother and the whole Dingle clan as they talked behind Roberts back. No one really cares about him. The Sugdens just think he is the disappointment of the family, the cheater, the attention seeker and the schemer. The Dingles think the same, how he wrecked Aaron’s life. All of them, and the village just put up with Robert because they care about Aaron and are only taking his happiness into count. All his thoughts are racing, overlapping each other it’s like they are on fast motion. Robert pushes harder, deeper and the blood rushes out faster. It feels like he can breathe again. Aaron wasn’t stupid, he was clever. He knows how to make everything stop, to make you breathe again. 

Robert lays his head against the edge of the bath and takes a deep, hard breath. He holds his arm against the black towel tightly. It takes 20 minutes for them to stop bleeding. Robert looks at the new cuts and covers them up with plasters, doesn’t feel anything about what he’s just done.   
He gets changed into his pyjamas, making sure to get a long sleeved top. He reaches for the flavoured Vodka and starts gulping it down, needing to sleep, ignoring the hunger. 

::::::::::: 

He feels Aaron slide in next to him on their bed. He wraps his arms around his husband and instantly becomes the big spoon. Robert can’t help but smile and breathe in the scent of his aftershave. He loves him so much but he doesn’t love him as much as he does. He hates how Aaron can feel him, but he doesn’t want to upset him. Aaron is stronger than Robert, so he couldn’t move him anyway. Robert gently kisses his husbands hand and wishes he can be the husband he deserves.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers - self - harm mechanisms in this, running(shown,) being sick and taking vomiting pills, bleeding feet.

Robert gets up slowly, having lack of energy making him more tired. He walks into the bathroom and closes the door before locking it shut. Aaron and Liv are still asleep, he doesn’t want them to interrupt him and ask thousands of questions when they don’t care about him at all. They are only pretending is what Robert keeps thinking to himself. He takes off his a little bit more baggy jumper and bottoms, and steps onto the scale looking down at the numbers. 

12st 5lb ( 173lb. ) 

He grins. He’s lost 3 pounds and it’s only been 3 days. But he wants more numbers reducing, maybe it’s taking so slow because he’s really fat? He puts on his clothes on again and walks into their bedroom. This is positive that he is losing weight, it means he is actually achieving something for once. Robert knows he is fat but because everyone else has noticed he really needs to start pushing himself. But what if he gains it all back? What if Aaron gets fed up of him and tells him to get out? Robert would be divorced again the second time and he is only 33 years old! He would be back at his sisters house living in her box room. He lose Aaron, he can’t lose his home because he is nothing. He needs Aaron. 

Robert gets his running joggers and t-shirt on looking at how he can see a bit of his stomach. How the joggers are tight around his legs and arse. Robert feels sick with embarrassment. He puts on his trainers and runs out of the Mill not leaving a note saying he’s gone, as it’s only 06:30 not like anyone would care that he’s gone anyway. 

Fat, fat, fat, everyone is laughing at you. Can’t you see it? You should be so embarrassed of yourself, look at you! You are jiggling as you run, you have gotten so fat Robert! Bet you can’t even run faster because your weight is pulling you down. What would Jack say? He knows your already a disappointment and this is the cherry on the topping. Robert Sugden the fat boy of the family. Come on go faster! You can’t achieve anything and the most simplest task you can do and your failing! 

Robert collapses to the muddy ground panting violently. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest, his feet throbbing and tingling. He looks at his watch and he’s only been running for an hour! How pathetic is that? A fat blob panting hysterically on the ground and sweating because he’s been running none stop. He should be ashamed. It is his fault that he’s gotten this big and now he can’t even run around the woods. He lays on the ground for 10 minutes feeling his breathing going back to normal and his heart. He stumbles back up feeling dizzy, black dots forming in-front of his eyes. He carries on going, listening to his voice in his head telling him how pathetic he is. 

He returns back to the Mill, 2 hours of running now. He can barely breathe but it’s only his fault for being so unfit isn’t it? 

“ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? “ 

Robert hears Aaron’s voice the minute he steps into the living room. He ignores him knowing he doesn’t care about him. Who would? 

“ where do you think your going? “ Aaron practically growls at him, angry. 

Robert carries on walking up the spiral staircase with struggle as it feels like he is about to collapse. What a fat boy. Aaron is laughing at you. Why would he care about you Robert? What have you got to show for? The only thing your showing is how much weight you’ve gained. 

“ Shower. “ Robert tells him rawly as his throat is painfully dry. He takes off his clothes and steps onto the scale, ignoring the blood from his feet. He must have lost weight, he needs to have lost more weight! He’s been running for ages.

12st 5lb. 

No. Nonononono. NO!   
That can’t be right. It - can’t! He must’ve lost some weight surly? 

Robert steps onto the scale again and the same numbers show. A wave of disappointment and anger running through his veins. How can he not lose anything? Wow. He really is that fucking fat isn’t he? He doesn’t eat and loses 3 pounds but running for 2 hours doesn’t even lose a pound? He’s failed again! Robert needs to try harder. He needs to push himself further, he can’t be a disappointment. Aaron must be so ashamed of him, bet he wanted a fit bloke who would look perfect and in photos but instead he has Robert. The fat, freckled bloke. What a downgrade. Maybe Aaron is only with him because he pities him? No one else wants him so Aaron must of thought he’ll be with Robert because he is so repulsive. Only now, Aaron’s regretting that idea isn’t he? 

Robert’s tears fall onto the numbers and next thing his knuckles are bleeding. The tile on the wall now scattered over the floor. He breaths heavily, panting, the pain not affecting him instead he welcomes it. He finds it calming somehow, feeling the aching pain in his hand isn’t so bad. 

He puts on the gown putting his bleeding hand into the pocket. Robert wipes away the blood off the floor and cleans his blistered, cut feet. He walks out with guilt running through him in waves as he enters his and Aaron’s bedroom and gets changed. He finds his white hoodie and black joggers as he puts them on. He needs to hide his body, nobody can see the rolls of fat. The tissue on his hand now going damp with the sweat and blood in the front pocket of the hoodie. 

“ What’s wrong with you? “ Liv questions him with a frown on her face. Robert shrugs his shoulders as an response and sits himself down on the couch. He hides the pain from his feet, it stings by the weight of his body. Another reminder that he’s fat, his own feet are aching by the heaviness of him. 

“ Nothing. “ He grumbles seeing her unconvinced stare. He goes on his phone ignoring their shared looks. Maybe they’re thinking how big he looks sitting down? Is he filling out the whole seat because his fat thighs are spreading over? 

The toaster makes the popping noise and next thing he knows there is a plate sitting on his thighs. Are they using him as he flat surface because of his fat thighs? 

“ What’s this? “ Robert questions Aaron seeing him sitting beside him. Why is he giving him food for? Robert notes how he has this strange look on his face, like he is testing Robert to see if he does what Aaron wants him to do. 

“ Toast. “ Aaron tells him simply. “ Eat it then. “ he orders. Liv is watching as well seeing the scene unfold. Robert feels like a elephant in a cage and everyone is watching it and prodding whilst they feed it more food. Are they doing this on purpose as a joke? Are they going to laugh at him and make fun of him when he finishes the toast? 

Robert carries on looking at the piece with bile raising up in his throat. He feels panic expanding. He can’t eat it, it will add more calories to his weight and it would ruin the 2 hour run he did. The toast would make his stomach swell as it digests it making him look even more huge. 

“ Robert it’s only toast, what’s the matter? “ Liv pipes up sitting on the other side of the sofa. He looks at her covering up his fear.

His stomach grumbles loudly and wave of embarrassment and resentment goes through him. Why did his stomach have to do that? He is already fat as it is, surly it can’t handle anymore food? If he eats this slice then he can go on another run to get rid of these calories off the toast can’t he? This can last him all day and he won’t have to eat again. He can’t have Aaron and Liv worrying about him, even when they don’t care. 

He slowly picks up the toast and bites onto it. The crunch goes right through him. You have wrecked everything now. That run was for nothing, not eating for three days gone down the drain. He has wrecked everything now because he is going to gain weight again. 

“ Eat all of it. “ Aaron tells him firmly. Aaron has noticed the off attitude from his husband. How Robert barley speaks, drinks a lot of Vodka or beer, withdrawn from people. Aaron notes that he is ever so slightly thinner on his face. Robert doesn’t like touching him anymore, he doesn’t want sex or him. 

Robert takes a deep breath and takes another bite then another before the whole toast has gone down into his stomach. He feels it slide down, feels it settle in his empty stomach as it makes noises. The whole of guilt going over him like a cloud. 

Aaron looks pleased, he has finally gotten him to eat. Robert sees the pride in his face and feels so tiny. Ashamed. Fat. 

“ That wasn’t so bad was it? “ Aaron tells him with a half of a smile. He gently pecks Robert’s cheek as Liv doesn’t say anything this time. She feels like there is something wrong with Robert but she can’t place it. 

Robert forced a smile, it felt tight and pained on his chubby face. There he’s done it now. He’s eaten it. They have got what they wanted it, making the fat man eat and they’re still looking at him. 

“ I need to catch the college bus, see yous later. “ She tells her brothers with a smile and leaves them both still sitting on the couch. 

Aaron looks at his husband with a soft nearly upset expression as he threads his fingers through the blonde locks. 

“ I love you, you know? “ Aaron tells him with that soft voice only reserved for Robert. 

Robert looks at him with that vulnerable expression where you feeling like your falling and falling but you have to nod along to say your okay. Robert gently strokes Aaron’s hand, playing with his wedding ring. How could he get so lucky? Aaron should be with anyone else but him. Robert can feel his stomach rumble angrily again and a wave of anger goes through him. How is he still hungry?! 

“ I love you too. “ Robert tells him quietly. He doesn’t want Aaron to think he doesn’t love him, when he does so much. 

Aaron smiles softly and kisses Robert’s forehead before getting up. Robert watches him go seeing Aaron look thin as he looks so big and hefty. Robert goes back onto Google and types in ways of losing weight secretly risking a glance when Aaron has his back turned. 

Running.   
Ipecac Syrup.   
Soups.   
Alcohol.   
Counting calories on foods. 

Robert takes a screenshot before deleting his history. Aaron can’t know how pathetic he looks, that he needs help to lose weight. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and getting a glass of water before gulping it all down.   
He catches Aaron’s gaze looking at his body and he quickly crosses his arms over his chest, trying to hide himself. He feels the back of the hoodie stretching over his shoulder blades, feels the tightness on his arms. He feels sick with it. 

“ Have you lost weight? “ Aaron asks him curiously. 

Lost weight? That must be a joke. He’s only lost 3 pounds, and he is still fat as ever. He needs to lose more. 

“ No. “ He says instead. He doesn’t want Aaron worrying about him. There is nothing to be worried about is there? 

Aaron nods his head slowly like he is not believing him. “ Right okay. “ he says easily agreeing. “ Where did you go this morning? “ he asks. 

“ Morning run. “ 

“ How long for? “ 

Why is he asking so many questions for? 

“ 20 minuets. “ He lies. He doesn’t want the whole fuss about him running. 

“ What time? “ Aaron asks him again knowing his husband is lying. “ I woke up at 07:00 and you got back finally at 08:30. That’s longer than 20 minutes. “ 

Robert shrugs his shoulders as he sips more of his water.   
“ Looks like I lost track of time then? What’s the matter Aaron? Looking for a problem when there isn’t one. “ he snaps. 

Because there isn’t really a problem is there? Robert went out for a run and lost track of time. It happens to everybody. 

“ I haven’t got one. “ Aaron grumbles, now feels stupid for picking on his husband. 

“ I need to go to town. “ Robert announces, he walks to fetch his wallet. 

“ For What? “ Aaron knows they don’t need food. The cupboards and fridge are full of food. 

Robert sighs and rolls his eyes feeling irritated. He can’t think of anything they need. What can he say? “ Trainers and sports stuff. “ he says eventually. 

“ You don’t do running? Or anything sports activity. “ Aaron says with a frown. 

That aching pain comes back to his chest again. He has gotten this big because all he does is sit around on the sofa, or sit behind a desk all day. Everyone has noticed haven’t they? The whole village knows he never does any sport activities and they probably snigger every time he eats in public. How can he eat with Aaron or Liv anymore? That he knows he is the big laughing stock of the Village? 

“ I’m going to start. “ He says simply. 

“ But you don’t need to lose weight Rob. “ Aaron tells him softly, concern over his face. 

What a bloody lie! Robert knows he is laughing. He nearly scoffs. 

“ I just want to start running. “ Robert says simply. “ I’ll best be going. “ he tells him with a smile. He tells him he loves him and going into his car before driving off into the direction of Hotton. 

////// 

Robert’s in JD, looking at all the sports clothes, hoodies, shorts and t-shirts. He catches a look at himself from the thin, long mirror and he bites back the urge to scream at himself. He sees his jaw that is a bit chubby, you can’t totally see the jaw bone, his cheeks are chubby and the rest of his body looks big. How is he going to fit into any of these clothes?   
Robert turns away from his reflection and picks up a t-shirt size 10 that is his target. He then gets some oversized hoodies, t-shirts, jumpers and then some shorts and joggers. Robert gets a small size jumper, size 8. He can wear that and make himself lose more weight till he can fit into it. He buys 3 different pairs of trainers and buys all of his new clothes and shoes. He doesn’t knowledge it when it comes the price comes to £220. 

He walks into Boots and buys some vomiting medicine and some weight loss pills as well. 

Aaron - When are you coming back home? x 

Robert - Soon x 

Robert puts his phone back into his pocket and walks to his car, seeing his reflection in the car window screen makes him grimace. He starts the car and starts driving back home. 

////// 

“ I’m cooking dinner. “ Aaron announces with a smile. 

Robert stares in shock. He has to eat in front of his husband. How can he have those pills now? 

“ Great. “ he forces out. “ What we having? “ 

“ Your favourite! Steak and chips! “ Aaron beams, placing the chips and steak onto the plates. 

Of course it would be Robert’s favourite dinner. He would have to like the most fattening meal wouldn’t he? 

“ I’m not feeling too hungry actually. “ Robert makes up the concept of just eating that makes him feel sick. 

“ You must be, you only had that piece of toast this morning and that was 9 hours ago! “ Aaron tells him firmly but his eyes are soft. 

Robert feels trapped. 

“ O-okay, I’ll just go get dressed.” 

“ Dressed? “ Aaron lets out slowly with a frown. “ You getting dressed for? “ 

Robert feels the heat raise to his cheeks. “ I - I’m going for a run after- “ 

“ Another one? “ 

“ Yes, “ Robert replied nervously. All these thoughts running through his mind. How can he eat that in front of Aaron yet go running afterwards and have that pill? He could cut up his food in small amounts to make it look like he has eaten more? And then when Aaron is asleep and Liv, he could sneak out at night have the pill and start running couldn’t he? 

“ You could leave it for today couldn’t you? “ Aaron asked quietly nearly pleading. 

Robert nods his head slowly sticking to his idea. 

“ Of course. How can I miss your rare cooking ay? “ Robert forces a cheerful smile and voice. When all he wants to do is hide. 

Aaron puts the plates on the table as they sit down together. Aaron somehow inhaled his as Robert would put it, but he was shrugging too even eat a chip. His throat feels like sandpaper, as the food feels like wood. He even cut up his food in tiny pieces and still couldn’t eat half of a chip. 

“ You not hungry? “ Aaron comments watching his husband struggle to his meal. Robert’s plate still full. 

Robert shakes his head. “ no, sorry. “ 

“ It’s Alright. “ Aaron tells him with a soft smile. “ I’m not gonna leave ya if you don’t finish your meal. “ 

Robert smiles weakly at him. The few chips and steak in his stomach making him feel so full, he wants it out. 

/////// 

Aaron was dead to the world, so was Liv when she came in around 21:00. Robert put on his sports clothes, takes the pill with water and sneaking out of the Mill. He was sick 10 minutes within his run, and then kept being sick for another 10. He was pleased seeing his dinner come back up. He carried on running for another 3 hours before coming back home at 03:00. He cleaned his feet and put plasters on the cuts, as the recent ones reopened. He slide back into bed, exhausted. 

He finally woke up at 13:00 in the afternoon. Aaron and Liv were worried about him but Robert just replied he was tired. And no he didn’t have a explanation why he had bags under his eyes or why he was pale as he limping everywhere. 

Robert checked his weight again and he still was 12lbs 5lbs. He felt anger bubbling, hatred, disappointment. 

He didn’t eat today, and carried on to push himself running and taking those pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have gone off the symptoms off websites about the symptoms, and my own thoughts about eating.   
> I am sorry if I’ve offended anyone with writing things incorrectly. It was not intentional at all, but I am trying to write Robert feeling guilty, trying to think of ways to make himself sick after eating.


	4. Chapter 4

Robert had been extensively running for 5 whole days. He was running 3 times a day for 2 whole hours, only stopping when he collapsed onto the ground from exhaustion. He would run at lunchtime, early hours of the morning and then sometimes tea time.   
Now, he was in the bathroom looking at himself in the mirror smiling when he looked slimmer. 

Robert stepped onto the scale and he’s only lost 6 pounds. 

11st 9lb ( 167lb ) 

Robert stares in disappointment. How can he only lose 6 pounds? He hasn’t been eating, he’s been taking the vomiting pills, he’s been running and running till his feet are bleeding for hours and are bruised! He tried on his size 8 jumper and it was still tight on him! He is failing at the one thing he is in control over! He’s useless. He needs to try harder. He needs to run for 3 hours a day, needs to take 2 pills and not eat anything only drink water. 

You are so pathetic. You are still fat Robert and will always be fat. That’s why Aaron isn’t touching you at all, that’s why your all alone in the Mill. Everyone has given up on you. You need to lose weight faster! Aaron is so disappointed in you Robert. 

The same words swirl around in his head over and over again. He is nothing. No one wants him. He hates himself. He hates his body that won’t lose fat. He is still obese!

Robert cries against his hands behind the bathroom door. Why can’t he do anything? He couldn’t even speak properly to clients because he keeps having black dots forming in front of his eyes. He is always tired and sleeping, he is drinking more beers and Vodka to lose weight. Nothing is working! He is that fat the weight loss doesn’t even show. 

The pain hurts too much. The aching pain of failure and disappointment with sadness of how much he is worth less. Robert shakily gets the razor, needing to feel pain, it helps the void of shame and disappointment to fade away. Robert rolls up his sleeve and is met with numerous of cuts, scars and scabs over his arm. He cuts over old scars, cuts over new scars keeps cutting and cutting till he can’t feel anything but the pain of going too deep and watching the blood drip off his more thin arm. He lets out a breath. He leans his head back against the door. He can think more straight now. He can’t feel anything but the pain from the deep lines on his arm. Robert gets up slowly and turns on the water to boiling hot. He stands under the steaming hot water to feel a new release of pain. He hates his body. He wants to ruin it. He can’t stand to look himself in the mirror and see how fat he looks. 

He continues to stand under the water till it becomes unbearable. 

////////// 

Robert goes into his bedroom and gets out his oversized black hoodie and joggers again with his Nike trainers. You can’t see his body at all with the bagginess of the clothes and it’s the most best thing Robert could wish for. He goes to work like that now, except for meetings because he refuses to go now. He doesn’t want to meet new people seeing him look so big and it makes Robert want to hide away with shame. No one should suffer to look at him. 

Robert walks down the stairs in a low mood, not bothering to say hello to Liv or Aaron as they are sitting on the sofa. He gets himself a black coffee then walks to the kitchen table sits down at the nearest chair. He stares at the black liquid ignoring the hot steam going onto his face. He looks concentrated about how to lose weight faster. If he drank more alcohol and more black coffee to keep his energy up and keep the appetite away that would lose more weight wouldn’t it? He wouldn’t eat at all because of the coffee and alcohol. He would run further and push himself further for hours till he collapses onto the ground. He can have more of those vomiting pills can’t he?

“ ROBERT! “ 

Robert jumps out of his skin starring at their concerned faces. Why are they looking at him so worriedly? 

“ What? “ Robert asks confused. 

“ We have been calling you for 5 minutes now and you were just starring at your coffee. “ Liv told him with a frown, watching Robert with a concerned look on her face. 

Robert doesn’t move. “ Oh okay.” He tells them in a emotionless tone. He then gets up and walks up the stairs and yanking his arm away when Aaron touched him. 

“ What’s wrong with you Robert? “ Aaron asks him frowning. His voice hard and controlled. 

“ Nothing is going on with me! “ Robert shouts at his husband only seeing anger. 

“ Are you cheating on me? “ Aaron asks him heavily with a sad voice. 

“ NO! WHY DO YOU AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER ALWAYS THINK I’M FUCKING CHEATING OR HAVING A SHAG WITH SOMEONE ELSE? “ Robert screams in Aaron’s face not taking note of his or Liv’s stunned faces and the silence after he stops shouting. “ IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING THINK ABOUT? OH IS FUCKING ROBERT SUGDEN CHEATING AGAIN? WHEN ALL I HAVE DONE IS MIND MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! “ he yells at his husband till his throat goes raw and hurts and cracks at the near end. He runs up the stairs and slams the bedroom door shut making sure to do it with force. 

//////// 

“ What the hell was that? “ Liv let out, looking at her brother with the same shocked face of Robert’s anger. 

“ I- i don’t know. I’ve never seen him like that before. “ Aaron told her with worry. 

“ Have you noticed he has lost weight? “ Liv asked still worried. 

Aaron nods his head. “ Yeh I have but he just keeps saying he hasn’t. That he is the same weight as he’s always been. “ 

“ What do you thinks going on with him? “ 

“ I - don’t know. We just need to keep an eye on him. “ 

He smiled gently at his sister before going up the stairs and gently knocking on their bedroom door. 

/////////

How could I lose my temper like that? Another reason why Aaron can chuck me out now. What’s the point anyway? Who would want to stay with someone who looks this hideous? 

Robert paced around their bedroom room before hearing a gentle knock to the door. He sighed and opened it to see Aaron looking worried like he is unsure on what to do. 

“ I’m sorry about before. “ Robert told him guilt written. He needs to apologise to him so Aaron can keep him. Robert needs to keep more control of himself. 

Aaron half smiles at him, noting the bags under his eyes with his skin pale and his face more thinner. Aaron frowns a bit seeing few pale spots on Robert’s skin. Which is weird because Robert has always had clear skin. 

“ It’s okay. “ Aaron tells him softly. “ I know you have been under a lot of stress and not sleeping properly. “ he tells him. He isn’t stupid. Aaron has noticed Robert fidgeting in bed and unable to sleep properly. How he hates to be touched now and they never snuggle up to each other. It’s like they have become more distanced. 

Robert covers the shock of hearing Aaron say he hasn’t been sleeping properly. Has he noticed Robert slipping out at night? Has he noticed him taking pills? How stupid can he be? What a moron. 

“ Yeh - just work. “ Robert smiles reassuring. He feels his heart hammering in his chest, feels that panic of being exposed. 

Aaron steps forward closer to his husband gently not wanting to scare him. “ You need to take a break Rob if your under so much stress. “ He tells him gently, stroking Robert’s arm up and down ever so gently. 

Robert looks at him with sad eyes yet his smile brightens up his face. “ I know. Don’t worry about me. “ 

Don’t worry about me, I’m not worth it. 

“ I miss you. “ Aaron whispers to him, face inches away from Robert’s. 

Why? What’s there to miss? Bet your glad the fatty isn’t anywhere near you. 

“ I live with you. How can you miss me? “ 

“ We never talk anymore, not like we used too. We never have sex anymore and you just seem so distant. “ 

Failure. Failure. Failure. Aaron is going to find out about all the things you have been doing and he’s going to leave you. Well done Robert, you have truly made a absolutely moron of yourself. Why can’t you ever achieve anything? The one simplest thing you can do and your failing at it. 

“ Sorry. “ Robert whispers. 

“ There is nothing to be sorry about okay? I am here whenever you want to talk to me. “ Aaron tells him softly. He gently kisses Robert’s cheek and lips before pulling back looking at his husband with soft concerned eyes. 

How can I speak to you? You think I’m fat and ugly! 

“ I will don’t worry. “ lies. Lies. Lies. 

Aaron smiles at him and hugs him making sure to feel his husbands body. He doesn’t feel skinny or thinner. Robert feels exactly the same as he did a week ago. Maybe Aaron is just worrying over nothing? If Robert tells him he is okay and looks okay why is Aaron making a big deal out of it? 

Aaron doesn’t notice how Robert tensed and held his breath when Aaron touched him. 

How could Aaron stand to even touch him? Bet he feels all that weight and grimaces when he feels the softness of Robert. 

Robert pulls away from him and smiles weakly. “ I’m going for a run. “ he tells him. He couldn’t help himself it’s like the words chose to come out and his brain didn’t have a say. 

“ Can I come with you? “ 

That means he can’t push himself like he used to do. He can’t take those pills and can’t run for 2 or 3 hours straight. 

“ Yeh sure. “ Robert smiles softly at him. 

He will run for 30 minutes straight and won’t go on anymore runs as it is too risky and will be found out. He could still skip his meals and if Aaron forces him to eat he’ll hide the food in his pockets and make out he has eaten all the food. He could ask Aaron to only get low calorie foods or he can get it himself and say to Aaron he has already eaten? To get Aaron off his back and stop worrying and hopefully everything will go back to normal. Robert will still try to become skinny. 

“ When are we going then? “ Aaron asks him sounding hopeful he is allowed to go with his husband. 

“ In 5 minutes. We’ll get changed and then we can set off. “ Robert tells him hating how he has to restrict his 2 hour run. He will only lose 300 calories now. 

“ It’s only 09:00 in the morning! all you have had is coffee for breakfast! “ 

Why can’t I plan anything? Of course Aaron is going to notice that! 

“ I’ll get some toast then. “ Robert forced himself to say when the idea actually pains him to say.

Aaron is doing it on purpose isn’t he? He wants Robert to eat loads of food so he can’t go out and run anymore. He wants Robert to become lazy and wait till Robert is immobile so he can leave him. How can Robert be so stupid to think Aaron actually cares about him? What if Aaron is putting weight gain powder into his food and that’s why he isn’t losing weight? That’s why when Robert collapses onto the ground with his feet bleeding and panting with black dots forming in his vision, it’s actually Aaron fattening him up making him that unfit he can’t run anymore! 

“ Great! I’ll get you some toast now then, you can get dressed then just wait few minutes for me to get my sports clothes on Alright? “ Aaron tells him with a smile pleased he can spend time with his husband and see how he is coping on his runs. 

Robert nods his head numbly feeling anger in his chest as he watches Aaron go downstairs. He won’t eat the toast he’ll throw it outside for the birds to eat. He won’t let Aaron fatten him up. 

Robert gets his t-shirt on not noticing how it’s baggy on him now than last week. He gets his black oversized hoodie over the shirt and gets his shorts on. He hides his pills again in the original place. 

Under the jumper and wrapped up in boxers. 

Robert walks downstairs and fetches himself a glass of cold water. The pains under his feet calming down a bit more but they are still covered in bruises and cuts. He sits down and ties his laces and forces a smile at Aaron when he places the fatting ( not ) toast opposite him. 

“ When did you get all those brand clothes from? “ Liv asks from the sofa. She notes how Robert has three Nike hoodies one white, one black and finally one grey. It is now a usual occurrence to see Robert in a hoodie and not his once fitted shirts or jeans. Robert always wears joggers or shorts with some sort of sport leggings underneath now for when he goes for his runs. 

“ Last week. “ Robert tells her deliberately taking his time to drink his second glass full of water. When she turns away to look at the television and when Aaron has his back turned. Robert shoves half of the toast into his pocket and pretends to chew when Liv turns to look at him again. 

“ Must of cost a fortune. “ she comments. 

What’s with all the questions? Is she testing him? Did Aaron tell her to ask him all these questions? 

“ Got then reduced. “ 

Liv nodded her head understanding. “ You could’ve for me some then. “ she says cheekily. 

Another thing Robert has failed to do. He must be so selfish to get himself clothes and not think of Liv. 

“ I will next time. “ he tells her with a forced smile. Robert gets up and leaves the half toast sitting on the plate. If he goes now. He can tell Aaron to leave it for another day and Robert can go for his run as he hides the half of the toast somewhere.   
“ Aaron I’m going to go now. I don’t want you to go to get changed to be cold and the other day you did feel ill. “ he tells him softly.

Aaron had a cold 2 days ago and he was still a little bunged up. 

Aaron looks disappointed. “ I thought we could spend time together? “ he tells him quietly his voice soft. 

Aaron is lying. Aaron is just mocking him. 

“ I’ll rather you be healthy again and have your cold gone than it to become even worse. “ Robert tells him softly, something in his voice is hard and controlled. He knows Aaron’s game and he won’t let him win. 

Aaron nods his head slowly and walks over to him and gently pecks his cheek. 

“ Okay I won’t come but I will join you when I feel 100percent okay? “ Aaron reassures him with a smile. Robert nods his head and goes for his run. He abandons the toast in a hedge near the bridge and runs faster and faster till he has been running for 1 hour. 

Every step he takes is a reminder why he needs to lose weight. 

//////// 

“ Hiya. “ Victoria greets her brother in the Woolpack. Robert is sitting in one of the booths. 

“ Hi. “ Robert smiles at her. 

“ I haven’t seen you in a while.” She says. It’s only been 9 days. 

“ Been busy. “

She nods her head. “ Aaron told me. You need to take a step back from work Rob, if your feeling stressed out. “ She tells him worriedly. 

What? Aaron and Victoria have been talking about him behind his back? When did this happen? Have they been slagging him off? Making fun of him? 

“ Yeh maybe your right but works gone a bit better now. “ Robert tells her with a smile. 

“ Good. We only want the best for you. “ She tells him with a soft smile before getting up and goes through the double doors.

She’s only checking up on him then? Aaron’s told her to keep an eye on him hasn’t he? Bet Aaron has told the whole village to catch what Robert is doing because he thinks he is cheating. 

Robert gulps more of his beer and is about to get up when Nicola catches his arm. 

“ Robert can you go meet Mr and Mrs Johnson tomorrow at 12:00? Me and Jimmy aren’t as good as you are with dealing with them. “ She tells him nearly pleading. 

That infects his running schedule. How can he go for a run now? 

“ Yeh fine. “ he agrees with a smile. He can go for his run longer now to make up for the missed run at lunchtime. 

“ Great! “ She smiles brightly at him. Robert forces a smile trying to ignore the dizzy feeling when his stomach grumbles loudly. “ I think you need some food don’t you think? “ she tells him looking down at his mid - section and walking off.   
Robert watches her go and blinks back tears. He feels his stomach hit the floor as he walks out of the pub in shame. How could he be hungry? He sounds like a right pig. 

Robert walks to the Mill smiles at Aaron and Liv sitting together playing on the PlayStation as he tells them he is having a bath. He locks the door and takes off his clothes and stares in the mirror. His stomach still chubby, whole of his body looks soft. He wants to see bones not fat.   
Robert feels anger and resentment of what happened in the Woolpack. How could he let his stomach growl like that? Bet Nicola thought he was a right fat pig didn’t she? Bet she was telling everyone how fat Robert has gotten, telling everyone how his stomach grumbled loudly that she’s surprised he would need anymore food. 

He sits in the tub and fills the water up to his shoulders. The water boiling hot. He needs to clear his mind and only feel the stinging pain of his skin burning.


	5. Chapter 5

Aaron woke up before Robert this time for a change. For 2 weeks he was usually left in the bed alone and cold without his husband there next to him. Actually, if Aaron thinks about it Robert never stays in bed with him anymore. It’s been a month of either, Robert laying in bed asleep till 13:00 or Aaron waking up alone. When Aaron asks Robert why does he never stay in bed with him he only replies with he has work, a meeting, or his morning run. Aaron’s worries about his husband, or more cautious about how Robert is behaving lately. Aaron notes that Robert only wears baggy hoodies and joggers, never wears his tight jeans or shirts anymore, Robert only wears his suits for meetings which are becoming less and less frequent now. 

Aaron looks over at his husband after having been in his thoughts. Aaron runs his eyes over his husbands body, Robert never sleeps naked anymore or never just sleeps in his boxers. He would wear thin, thick, baggy jumpers or hoodies now when he goes to bed. Aaron doesn’t know why his husband has suddenly started wearing clothes to do to sleep in. Is it just him being stupid, worrying over something so insignificant?   
Robert never touches him or has sex with him anymore either during the past month, Aaron has missed his husband both physically and emotionally because he misses their chats about all sorts. Now, they never talk, or hardly talk like they used too as Robert is always running, or sleeping and Aaron can never just catch him to spend time with him anymore. Wait. Would - surly not - Robert wouldn’t be running as some sort of self - harm technique would he? Not like he used too during the affair era? Why would Robert be doing that anyway? He’s happy, isn’t he? Maybe Aaron is just worrying over nothing, maybe he is just finding problems when there isn’t any. Robert has lost a lot of weight over the past month actually, he is more on the skinner side than he used to be. If Robert is running a lot he is bound to lose weight isn’t he? And Aaron makes sure he is fed as well. 

Aaron sighs heavily, he has made himself get a headache from his own mental argument in his head. He leans closer and traces shapes on the back of Robert’s shoulders smiling softly when Robert stirs with a little groan afterwards. 

Robert blinks open his eyes and jumps high up like a scared cat, which makes Aaron jump out of is skin. Robert then wraps the duvet around himself more and looks guilty, awkward - has Aaron seen his burns? Cuts? Seen how fat he still is? Is what goes through Robert’s mind. 

“ M’sorry, just given me a fright.” Robert whispers quietly looking down at his hands, playing with his wedding ring. It is now easily to fidget with as the ring is slightly too big now for his finger. Robert feels resentful go through him, he even has chubby fingers. Did Aaron hate it when his chubby, stubby fingers ran through his hair and touching him all over his body? 

Aaron smiles softly at him as he slides his hand over to Robert’s and holds his husbands hand.   
“ It’s Okay, you weren’t expecting it when you were fast to sleep. “ 

Robert forces to smile at him. How could he ever be this lucky? He actually got this beautiful, strong man and what does he do? He spoils it, he ruined his husband by doing terrible mistakes in the past, by getting fat and looking hideous. Aaron should have someone who treats him perfect, who looks skinny, the man Aaron deserves isn’t him. He is a no one. 

“ This is the first morning we have had together in the past month. “ Aaron mentions with a smile, playing with Robert’s fingers. 

Another thing Robert has done wrong. Again. How can he keep failing his husband like this? Robert should spend more time on his husband. He needs to cut down on the runs so Aaron won’t get suspicious, he needs to act normal because that’s what Aaron deserves. How can Robert act normal when he can’t stand in being in the house knowing Aaron and Liv hate him? He knows they think he is fat and should cut down on food, they said so them self in the Woolpack. 

Robert hums back with a slight smile. He doesn’t know what to say, his mind completely blank of holding a conversation. He needs to go for a run, he needs to lose more calories, more weight even when he hasn’t eaten anything for days and taking those vomiting pills when Aaron watched him eat a pizza. Robert thinks that’s the only night when they actually spent time together, but Robert’s mind was elsewhere with coming up with ideas on how to lose weight faster. 

Aaron’s in his own world. He is too busy playing with Robert’s ring to notice the silence between them till he comes out of his trace and looks up at his husband. He cups Robert’s more visible jaw. “ I’m going to cook us a English breakfast. “ Aaron comments. “ Your more on the skinny days recently. “ he mentions with concern in his voice. 

More on the skinny days? More on the skinny days! Well that’s obviously a joke isn’t it? He’s only 9st 10lb, that is hardly on the ‘ skinny days ‘ is it? 

“ I don’t know what your going on about Aaron. I haven’t lost any weight. “ 

Which is the truth but he can’t let Aaron think he has lost weight because he will pretend to worry, and he will try to fatten him up even more so he can leave him. Robert needs to feel like he has actually achieved something. He needs to lose weight, he knows this is his fault for becoming so big and fat and he is sorting out his hideous body. The fat isn’t shifting is it? He is still too fat and now he is failing his achievement, he isn’t achieving this at all! He needs to work harder to become successful. 

Aaron nearly scoffs at him and Robert feels like he is mocking him. Maybe Aaron is thinking the same thing? Maybe he is thinking that Robert hasn’t lost any pounds still and he is waiting for him to become skinny? That’s why he wants him to eat that fattening English breakfast isn’t it? To add onto the weight and make him fatter, fo make everyone laugh at him. That is the exact reason why he doesn’t go out to the Woolpack anymore, or do anywhere with them because he is saving them the embarrassment, the humiliation of being seen with Robert. 

“ You have lost weight Robert -“ Aaron tells him firmly. 

He isn’t backing down is he? Maybe he is tricking Robert into thinking he has lost weight when he hasn’t? Aaron can make Robert into thinking he’s lost weight, he’ll make Robert eat more to win back the weight loss when really he is just gaining and gaining and becoming fatter and fatter. Robert feels his chest burn with anger, like when he was sitting in the bathtub in boiling hot water. It all feels too much, he feels suffocated. Robert can’t trust Aaron anymore knowing Aaron’s plan, but it’s working isn’t it? Robert can feel the rolls of his stomach, he can feel the thickness of his thighs against the mattress. He has already gained loads of weight hasn’t he? Maybe Aaron has been injecting him with weight gain liquid? What if Aaron has been putting weight gain powder into his drinks making Robert stay fat? This means Robert needs to have more vomiting pills to bring up the liquid and the food Aaron forces him to eat. 

“ Robert? “ Aaron shakes Robert’s shoulders making him alert again when Robert jumps back into reality. “ You proper spaced out on me there. “ he told him going for light heartedly tone when it came across as scared. 

“ Oh. I - just thinking about meetings that’s all. “ Robert pushed out painfully. He mentally kicks himself, he wants to dig his fingers into his arm and scratch his arm repeatedly till blood comes up to the surface. He hates how stupid he is, hates himself for coming up with that pathetic excuse. 

Aaron’s eyebrows dented into a frown. “ Meetings? You were thinking about meetings for 5 whole minutes? “ he said unconvinced. 

Robert swallowed thickly. He felt his heart hammering in his chest and felt the his back becoming hot and sweaty. He really is a pig isn’t he? 

“ Yeh - Good contacts coming up so need to concentrate on ‘em. “ 

Aaron nodded his head slowly.   
“ you can’t concentrate if your not eating can you? “ 

“ N-no - “ 

“ Good. Come on. “ Aaron ordered. Robert reluctantly followed him down the stairs. How can he eat the breakfast? Aaron will think he is terrible for eating all of it. 

Robert sat at the kitchen table watching Aaron in the kitchen getting all the food supplies.   
“ Mum and Vic have been worried ‘bout ya they have. “ Aaron mentioned as he cracked the eggs against the frying pan. 

Worried? About me? Why? They probably don’t even care about me, especially with all the things I’ve done I wouldn’t blame them if they washed their hands with me. I would. 

“ Oh really? “ he responded back dryly. 

Aaron hummed. “ When me and Liv go to the Woolly you never come with us now. Even when I literally beg ya to come..” 

How can I go out looking so big? How can I eat with them knowing I look so fat? People are sniggering at me thinking gosh that Robert has gained few pounds. 

“ Just don’t feel like going. “ 

“ You are worrying me too you know. “ Aaron comments softly, putting the bread into the toaster, as he stirs the mushrooms and eggs in the frying pan. 

“ Why? “ 

Aaron turns around to look at his husband sitting at the table. Robert looks exhausted, he looks like he is out of place. 

“ Because you have lost weight, you are always going on runs, your not yourself anymore and it scares me. “ 

Failure. Failure. Failure.

Robert bites down inside his cheek hard enough to cause blood to come out. He feels this weight drop onto his chest, the weight of failure, guilt, worthlessness and how he is the reason why everyone is worrying about him. 

Robert has this anger run through him and he just wants to scream out because nobody is listening, nobody cares he is alone. He feels suffocated by Aaron’s words, Liv’s words, Vic’s, Chas’s words and he just wants run and hide and die. 

“ I haven’t lost weight! “ he snaps. “ I am sick ‘n’ tired of you keep saying I’ve lost weight when I haven’t! “ 

“ How can you not see it? “ Aaron asks with a frown. “ You are skinner than month ago - “ 

Robert shakes his head angrily. Maybe he needs to agree with Aaron to shut him up. “ Fine I might have lost 1 or 2 pounds then. “ he says heavily. It feels like his tongue has gone like metal. He feels sick, his head lightheaded, feet aching and stinging. The smell of the food making him feel more sick. 

“ I’m only having a go because I care Rob, “ he smiles softly.   
“ you need to eat more food because I don’t want you to lose any more weight. “ he tells him concernedly. Aaron puts their English breakfast onto the plates. 

Robert stares in disgust. Aaron is fattening him up, he wants him to eat more food, he doesn’t want him to lose weight he wants him to gain more because he doesn’t like him. How can he eat this in front of him? What if Aaron has been putting weight gain powder into his food, making Robert eat more to make the pounds pile on faster? What if Aaron is slowing down his metabolism? Robert’s thoughts are racing like sport cars on a racing track and all he needs is to get a razor into his skin and cut. He needs a shower and stand under boiling hot water, he needs to run and and run till he is physically unable to walk anymore. He needs pain to stop the thoughts, to stop the banging ache in his head of hatred. 

“ Here you go. “ Aaron smiles and puts Robert’s plate in front of him. He gently pecks Robert’s cheek as he sits beside him side eyed watching him. 

Robert looks at the food like it has just kicked a puppy. How can he eat this fattening food? How can he add on all these calories into his weight? Robert looks at the two fried eggs, the two pieces of buttery toast, beans, mushrooms and tomatoes. All of that is so fattening, Aaron is making him fatter. When Robert used to be 12st 7lb that was Aaron’s doing wasn’t it? He was making him become fatter and fatter till he was 20 stone. He can’t let Aaron make him fat, he can’t make Aaron leave him because Robert needs Aaron. 

Aaron frowns at him. “ Aren’t you going to eat it? “ he asks confused as he puts a mouthful of beans into his mouth. 

Robert feels like he is going to be sick but he nods his head slowly. He feels the sweat on his back making the hoodie stick to him, he can’t do this but he has too because Aaron is watching him and he can’t seem ungrateful can he? Aaron made this for him, he went into all this trouble to cook him something so Robert can’t not eat it and make Aaron worry more can he? 

Robert shakily picks up the fork and dips into the warm beans and brings it to his mouth feels physical ill because he is going to eat. He chews. And Chews. And Chews. And Chews. Till he looks down and the egg, mushrooms, toast the whole plate is finished. How could he have eaten all that food? What a greedy fat pig eating all that food on his plate. Robert looks down regretful, guilt written he feels so terrible about himself now. He digs his fingers into his arm sharp enough to cause red marks in his skin. It isn’t enough, he needs more pain to get the pain away. 

“ Told ya you were hungry. “ Aaron looks little bit smug as he finishes his toast. He watched how Robert ate all his food and didn’t say a word. It was like he hasn’t eaten in days. 

Hasn’t eaten in days. 

Robert looks pale nearly grey looking he feels the food slide down his throat and into his stomach. He feels his digestive organ swell with the fattening food in him and he needs it out. 

How could he eat like a pig? 

“ I was thinking about going out? We can spend time together can’t we? “ Aaron asks him hopeful. 

Robert has this strong emotion of guilt. He can’t speak. He feels the food coming up and he bolts out of the kitchen straight into the downstairs toilet and gets out his contentions. Aaron rubs his back gently as Robert keeps being sick till he is gagging and heaving. This is good. Robert is pleased that he has brought up his food. The fattening calories won’t add to his weight now, it barely had chance to get into his system. 

“ You must be going down with something. “ Aaron comments when Robert shakily stands up looking grey but his cheeks are flushed. 

He hums. 

“ Lets take you to bed then. “ Aaron smiles weakly and he guides him upstairs to their room and tucks him in the duvet. “ You okay now? “ Aaron asks his husband when he is laying on his back wrapped up in blankets and the massive, warm quilt. 

He nods his head slowly the pain now gone and he is pleased his body rejected the food. 

“ I’ll nip to David’s and get you some medicine, and some energy drinks for you. “ Aaron suggests and he places a kiss to Robert’s forehead and wipes away the damp, long hair on his forehead. 

Robert smiles weakly. “ Thank you. “ he smiles and Aaron tells him he will be 10 minutes maximum. When he hears the front door close, Robert jumps out of the bed ignoring the black dots and the light head as he goes into the bathroom. He gets out the scales and stands on them and grins seeing the numbers flash up. 

9st7lb. He has lost 4 pounds. 

Robert steps off the scale and takes off his clothes ignoring the red skin, ignoring the multiple cuts all up his left arm and his stomach.   
He stares in the mirror and frowns. He still has some fat on his stomach, arms, chest, cheeks, thighs basically everywhere still has fat and soft.   
Robert blinks back tears, he is still fat, why aren’t the runs not working anymore? Why can’t he do anything right? It would be so much better if he died. Everyone would be happy to see him 6 feet under. 

He walks back to the bedroom and slips into the duvet. He sleeps and sleeps wishing he could do this forever.


	6. Chapter 6

Robert had been staying in bed for the past week as he didn’t see the point in moving around anymore. He had no energy to get himself out of their bedroom or the Mill, it felt like he was in this fog and he couldn’t see anything clearly anymore. Aaron would sit beside him and thread his fingers through Robert’s blonde hair, which is now greasy from not being washed in the past 7 days. Robert made no movement to speak or any movement at all, he just starred ahead or closing his eyes because the ache in his head was too much. Aaron would ask him why he isn’t getting out of bed and Robert’s reply was simply “ I think coming down with a cold or flu. “ Aaron looked worried but he kept bringing Robert cups of coffee or tea, he would also bring Robert slices of toast which Robert would hide. Robert knows Aaron is fattening him up, how could he be like this with Robert? He thought Aaron loves him but now he knows that he doesn’t. Aaron wants rid of him and maybe he should? Robert is a disappointment, all he has done for years is show people how much people are ashamed of him. He is a cheat, schemer and a murderer ( Manslaughter. ) he has always been the person who people assume he’s done wrong, and he wouldn’t blame them would he? Liv once wanted him dead, she even hinted at him in his face that he’s fat, Aaron once wished he was dead and called him heavy weight, maybe Chas wished for him to be dead. So? Why is he still here when nearly the whole village and the people he calls family, wants him dead? Why are they so worried about him because he has been laying in bed for a week? Are they pretending that they care? Robert knows the truth, he knows they don’t give a toss about him.   
Robert had been hating himself even more because how his stomach has been rumbling and grumbling even more because he hasn’t eaten or moved. What a fatty he is! He is still hungry even when he is fat, why does his own body hate him so much? He feels resentful because how he has made himself like this. How he has made himself so fat, how it has taken a whole month to lose so much weight, and he is still 8st9lb( actually 6st9lb, Robert stays in denial thinking he is more than that. ) . It shows how much he weighed because he is still so heavy. He needs to lose more, he hasn’t been running because of his feet hurt so much with the cuts and bruises. Aaron of course wouldn’t let him go out and doing any fitness would he? He wants Robert fatter doesn’t he? He can’t trust Aaron anymore, he says he loves Robert but how can he be sure? The amount of times Robert has hurt him surly he would hate Robert. Maybe that is why Aaron wants to fatten him up? Aaron wants revenge because of the things he has done to him.   
Robert had been feeling lightheaded, feeling sick to the point where it actually feels like he is going to collapse. He deserves this doesn’t he? He deserves everything he gets. He deserves the boiling water burning his skin, he deserves the razor blade cutting into his skin, he deserves the cuts and bruises on his feet from the running. He deserves this punishment.   
Robert couldn’t even use his vomiting pills because he felt too weak, he always has black dots in front of his eyes when he moves and he just collapses back into the pillow. He only goes downstairs when Aaron and Liv are asleep, he goes into the beer fridge and drinks all the cans and hides the evidence. That is the only way for him to go to sleep now, he needs to fall into a drunken sleep. His own supply of alcohol went within a 1 2 weeks ago and he would buy more but he feels ashamed too. 

He is pathetic, everything he does is pathetic. He hates how he looks, hates his freckles that make him look dirty, hates his nose because it’s so big making him look like a crow, he hates his chubby cheeks, hates his body making him into a whale.   
How could Aaron love him? How much Aaron marry him? Robert is hideous, he is the ugliest person ever seen.   
The emptiness has stayed with Robert for months now, but especially this week it has been unbearable and he has been cutting himself even more. He wears a black t-shirt under a thick black t-shirt so you won’t see the blood seeping through.   
Robert doesn’t care about the many cuts and scars on his left arm, he doesn’t care about the cuts and scars on his fat stomach he doesn’t care anymore. Why would he care? No one would want to see this fat, disgusting pig would they? 

/////// 

Robert could hear footsteps going up the stairs and into his room. It was Liv. He sees her as his little sister and kind like daughter but she doesn’t see him like a brother or some sort of dad would she? Liv only sees him as a hassle, a fat person living in her house eating all the food. 

“ You feeling better today Robert? “ Liv asked him softly standing at the end of the double bed. 

“ Hmm. “ he groaned, wrapping himself up in more cover. The new cuts on his stomach stinging every time he moves, his t-shirt and jumper feels like they are sticking to them. 

“ Are you sure it’s only a cold? “ she asked worriedly. Robert has been like this for the past week and Liv has never seen him like this before, Robert always be up and at it even when he was ill. 

“ I don’t know Liv. “ he told her emotionless. 

She nodded her head slowly playing with her sleeve. “ Aaron said to tell you he’s making you some more tea. “ 

“ I don’t want anything. “ 

“ maybe if you move around it’ll make you feel better? “ 

He hears that and feels that hit to his chest. Liv is making out he is fat again isn’t she? ‘ move around ‘ because he has been staying in bed all day. Why can’t she leave him alone then if she hates seeing him and thinks he is fat? He isn’t going to say that to her face of course, he can’t find new ways of looking like a failure. They already know his past mistakes and his recently new ones, if he makes more? Aaron and Liv will chuck him out because they are sick ‘n’ tired of him. 

Robert groans again and slowly gets up from the bed, making sure the quilt doesn’t show anything. He catches eyes with Liv and suddenly wants to go back to bed and hide. He hates how they can see him. 

“ Have you not been eating? “ Liv asks him. 

Robert frowns at her. “ why? “ 

“ you look even more skinner than last week. “ 

He looks down at himself and nearly scoffs. Is she tricking him? His thighs are still fat and squishy, his stomach still has fat on and Liv is telling him has she lost weight? Robert could laugh in her face he hasn’t lost weight he is still fat. 

“ I’m still the same weight Liv, it might be just because you haven’t properly seen me in a week. “ he tells her instead. He grabs the black navy gown and puts it on, not noticing how it looks bigger on him now than a week ago or a month ago. 

“ must be. “ she replies unconvinced. 

They walk down the stairs together till they part when Aaron calls Robert over. 

“ Eat. Drink. “ he orders him placing the cup of tea and two slices of toast opposite Robert on the kitchen table. 

“ I’m not hun- “ 

“ Yes you are, eat. “ he tells him firmly. Aaron has noticed his husband losing more weight since last week and only feels helpless when he begs Robert to eat something.   
Aaron has also noticed how the cans in the beer fridge going down fast, Liv hasn’t had a drop since it now has a key, Aaron hasn’t had any since he is cutting down and Robert has been sleeping upstairs everyday. When he does wake up he can smell the alcohol on Robert but when he asks him about it all he gets is “ I haven’t moved from this bed. “ he knows Robert is lying, Aaron puts it as maybe the pain is too bad for Robert to go to sleep with? He is still worried about him, even when he hides the beers from his husband. 

Robert stares in disgust at the two pieces of toast. He can’t eat them, he can’t think about food, he needs this empty feeling to stay and stay because it shows that he is achieving something for once. 

“ No Aaron, I can’t, I can’t eat it I feel too sick. “ Robert gets up and gives him the plate back. 

Aaron clicks his jaw. “ You need to eat Rob, you have lost weight and haven’t been eating - “ 

“ you can’t force me into eating Aaron! “ 

“ I will when my husband is dropping the weight by each week! “ He shouts back. 

Robert shakes his head in denial. He’s joking. Don’t believe him. He is only tricking you.   
“ I haven’t lost weight Aaron! It’s all in your head! “ 

“ How can you say that? How can you not see the weight going off you? “ Aaron asks him confused, his voice lacing with frustration. 

“ I can tell! You don’t know what your going on about! “   
Robert goes to walk but because of the lightheaded head he stumbles into the table. 

“ Are you drunk? “ Aaron asks him not impressed. 

He wishes he was drunk so he won’t be dealing with his lies. 

“ No! “ Robert shouts at him not seeing Liv’s concerned face seeing her two brothers argue. 

“ I’m not stupid you know! The beers from the fridge have all gone! “ 

“ Maybe you have been drinking them and haven’t noticed. “ Robert tells him with a unbothered tone and stomps upstairs into their bedroom again. 

Liv looks at her angry brother.   
“ You don’t believe him do you?” She asks quietly. 

“ No. no I don’t. “ 

Aaron turns around needing something to grip onto. A million and one thoughts running through his head. Is Robert an alcoholic? Has he got a illness? Does he has Depression?   
Every time Aaron tries to talk to Robert it feels like he is talking to a brick wall, Robert never listens and Aaron always gets the same reply “ I don’t know what you’re going on about. “   
He feels helpless, feels stupid for not doing anything when he doesn’t know what to do. Aaron has spoken to Chas and Victoria and they keep saying that maybe leave Robert till he comes to you, you know how he gets when you pressure him. It doesn’t help when Chas tells Aaron that maybe Robert is just attention seeking because he has everything he wants and now Robert is causing trouble. Victoria agreeing with Chas leaving Aaron fuming.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical information may be incorrect.

Robert was running again at 2 ‘o’ clock in the morning. He felt his feet bleeding and stinging as he was gasping for air, his throat going dry from the coldness of the air. He kept running faster and faster feeling the pain, needing the reminder why he needs to carry on. He stumbles slightly feeling lightheaded, seeing black dots form and his vision blurring. He ignored it. He needs to carry on, needs to lose weight, needs to lose calories, needs, needs, needs. Till, he collapses onto the damp ground and falling down into a ditch smashing his head against a rock and the last thing he sees is blackness take over.   
When Robert wakes up stiffly it’s now light outside, and when he went out it was dark. He was out of it for a long time then he expects. He slowly gets up but just collapses onto the floor falling heavily on his back. He stares up at the blue sky with scattered clouds covering the blue, everything seems like it’s not real. He feels like he is disconnected from the world, everything living and breathing around him and he has just stuck on pause. He feels his heart hammering in his chest, feels the dampness from the ground underneath him, he feels something trickling down his side of his face yet he doesn’t want to do anything. He mentally doesn’t have the strength to care anymore, but he has an itch under his skin that he needs to run and do more exercise.   
He carries on laying on the ground till the dizziness has passed, he slowly gets up with a slight groan and sighs. He feels dreadful and ill but he needs this feeling to make himself not forget how much of a hassle he is to everyone. He looks around his surroundings seeing just trees and bushes, he can’t remember where he is at all.   
What a stupid person he is. He is lost. Why can’t he even remember where he is?   
Robert starts walking and feels the painful stings of his feet, he walks and walks till he recognises the path back to Emmerdale. He gets to the Mill slightly panting and opens the door taking off his trainers, when there is dark red blood inside the trainer. He quickly puts the shoe back on when Aaron appears from opening the door looking worried and suspicious. 

“ Where have you been? “ He asks his husband leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. 

“ running. “ Robert tells him simply ignoring the sweat on his forehead and how his clothes stick to him. 

“ For all this time? “ 

“ What time is it? “ 

“ 10. “ 

6 hours he’s been out for then.   
What is he going to say? He can’t worry Aaron about him, he isn’t any importance. What a idiot he is not even thinking about what he is going to say to his husband. 

“ Went running at 08:00 got lost and then had a branch whack me in my face. “ Robert tells him in a normal tone. 

Aaron nods his head slowly seems to believe him. He walks up to his husband and cups his jaw, he leans forward looking at the cut just above Robert’s eyebrow narrowing his eyes. 

“ Does it hurt? “ Aaron asks him slightly concerned. 

“ Not really. “ 

“ come on. “ Aaron grabs hold of his husbands hand and guides him to the kitchen. Robert sits down on the chair watching Aaron soak a cotton wool ball and gently wiping away the dry blood. The cut is clean and now there is just a short little line marked into his skin. 

“ Don’t think it’ll scar. “ Aaron tells him assuming. When Robert gets up to leave Aaron pulls him down looking worried.   
“ Are you okay? Are we okay? “ 

“ why? “ 

“ It’s just - you haven’t touched me in a while and I know I said it last time but I feel like have I done something to you? “ Aaron tells him quietly. 

You have done this to him. It is your fault again for causing Aaron so much bloody stress and worry. It’s going to be your fault if he starts cutting himself again, people actually care about him unlike you. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! 

Robert holds his husbands hands tightly, he feels so guilty. He needs to he punished. 

“ No, no don’t think anything like that okay? You have not done anything wrong. It’s just we’ve been so busy lately and life can get in the way. “ He assures him with a weak smile. 

Aaron looks more reassured now and smiles softly at his husband. “ I love you. “ 

“ I love you too. 

I love you more than you will ever love me. I’m just - I’m just so sorry I’m the one you have to love. 

Aaron leans in and places his lips to his husbands and they kiss softly. Aaron pulls back looking happier, they have finally kissed again for the 2 time since weeks ago. 

“ You’ve forgotten haven’t you?” Aaron half grins. 

Robert’s chest tightness. 

“ Forgotten what? “ 

“ It’s your birthday Rob. “ 

Is it? He doesn’t even remember it being April. 

Robert forces a smile. “ Silly me.” He pushes out but it sounds bitter and hatred in his tone. Aaron doesn’t pick up on it. 

“ What you going to be doing today then? “ Aaron asks him still holding Roberts’s hand. 

He shrugs his shoulders. “ not bothered. “ he tells him. He doesn’t want to do anything, just wants to sleep. “ I’m not in the mood to socialise. I’m going to take a shower and then going to sleep. I’m exhausted. “ 

“ Your never in the mood to socialise anymore Rob. “ 

Failure. Why can’t he do anything? 

“ I’ll try to do something in the afternoon then? Let me get out of these and have a sleep. “ he tells him with a weak smile. He doesn’t deserve Aaron at all. Aaron grins gently and kisses Robert again before watching him go up the stairs. Aaron frowns seeing his husbands legs look thinner, is he just seeing things? It might just be the thin leggings he’s wearing, Aaron pushes away the thoughts and puts on the kettle. 

Robert had a 20 minute hot shower, before going to bed and sleeping for 5 long hours. Robert, Liv and Aaron all went to the pub to celebrate his birthday and he reluctantly had something to eat as everyone’s eyes were on him. When Robert said he needs the toilet he made himself sick. 

-/- 

( 4 days after the birthday. ) 

Aaron woke up subconsciously reaching out in his sleep for his husband, but he felt nothing there. He woke up more awake now but still groggily, he looked around the room and saw nothing there.   
The sheets are warm nearing cold, so Robert has only recently left their bed. Aaron frowns but he can’t hear anything downstairs?   
He gets up putting on his joggers before stopping, noticing Robert’s running clothes are gone and his trainers. Has Robert gone out running at 02:00 in the morning? Why would he be out this early?   
He then sees a small box on the floor, which looks like it has fallen out of a hiding place. Aaron switches the light on and blinks away the stinginess, he grabs the box and frowns beyond confused. 

Vomiting pills? 

Why has Robert got vomiting pills in his wardrobe? Surly he wouldn’t be using these to make himself sick? Aaron has never seen him been sick, but he was sick after eating his food.   
Aaron shuffles the box into his pocket anxiously, feeling his gut feeling growing intensely.   
He roots in the wardrobe to find out what else his husband has been hiding. He finds Robert’s clothes few of his sports clothes are size 8, 7 and 6 is that - is that Robert’s new size? That is beyond underweight for a man his size!!   
Aaron panics carrying on looking through Robert’s side of the wardrobe. He has a ache in his chest feeling himself about to break down. Why has he never noticed Robert wearing clothes that are sized small? What if Robert is making himself sick? What if he is taking the pills during his runs?   
When Aaron thinks more, Robert has lost a lot of weight, his skin looks stretched over his bones. His cheeks hollow and cheekbones visible, so as his jawline. How Robert looks grey with dark patches on his face with spots. He feels so stupid and dreadful for not coming to this conclusion. Aaron has tears in his eyes ready to drop when he looks through Robert’s bedside table. The draw is half full of bloody tissues till he finds a razor with blood on hidden underneath the tissues. 

Nononono! Robert can’t be self -harming! 

Robert has been wearing long sleeved jumpers and hoodies for months, he hasn’t even touched Aaron, he always wants to be alone, he can’t eat anything. Aaron chokes on a sob hating how he hasn’t done anything to help his husband. He jogs down the stairs and sees his husband not there, he was hoping Robert still be here. Aaron looks at the time on his phone and it’s now half 2 in the morning.   
Aaron gets his phone to text Robert but he remembers seeing his husbands phone on the bedside table. 

Why has he left his phone here and not with him in the run? 

Aaron sits heavily on the couch facing the front door in the dark, his leg bouncing up and down, feeling sick with himself. He sits there and waits and waits till it’s only been 30 minutes of waiting patiently and Robert still hasn’t turned up. Aaron needs to sit down here and capture his husband to see if he is correct about his suspicions. 

The time was 05:00, and finally Aaron hears the door open mid half a sleep. He sits up straighter and rubs his eyes with force wiping any the tiredness.  
He feels emotionally drained somehow with what he has found and now going to confront his husband... all he wants to do is wrap Robert in his arms yet throttle him.   
Aaron hears Robert come in breathing heavily like he is panting for oxygen. Aaron used to be like that when he ran for hours never stopping, Robert’s been doing the same then.   
When Robert stumbles through the half open door limping, he doesn’t notice his husband watching him from the sofa. 

Aaron notes mentally that Robert doesn’t look with it at all.   
Aaron can see the sweat pouring off him even in the gloomy setting. Robert is limping and looks half pained from where he walked in and to the couch. The blonde is flushed red yet still has the permanent deathly pale skin he has been supporting for months. If Aaron narrows his eyes more he can just about see sick on Robert’s front. Has he had those vomiting pills whilst running?   
Robert stumbles to the couch his hands reaching out to support his dizzy state with a heavy breath.   
That is when it all clicks into place for Aaron. Robert has an eating disorder and is self harming. He looks unhealthily skinny and Aaron can see some specks of blood on his sleeve. Aaron wants to cry for not doing something sooner. 

That’s when he finally speaks up when Robert hasn’t noticed the other presence. “ Had a nice run have ya? “ Aaron comments sternly looking hard at how his husband jumps. 

“ Why - you up early? “ he asks puzzled and confused still breathing heavily. He tries to keep his tone and face neutral trying to not get the cat out of the bag. 

“ woke up and you weren’t there. “ Aaron tells him dangerously calm. “ That was at 02:00, you have come in at 05:00, you’ve been running for 4 hours? “ he asks him confused something in his voice has a nameless emotion. 

Robert’s eyes widen suddenly when he sees darkness covering his eyes. Robert stumbles slightly losing his balance from the exhaustion. . “ No - no I haven’t. “ he pushes out slowly like there is something stopping him from talking. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest and it feels like it is going to burst or fly out it’s going that fast. 

“ You’ve been staving yourself, making yourself sick and been self - harming haven’t you!!? “ Aaron shouts at him angrily that his husband has been doing this behind his back for however long. He wants to cry yet throttle Robert for going down the same path as he used to do with the excessive running and self harming. He walks to his husband who stumbles back avoiding eye contact. 

“ No - no I haven’t - “ he tells him weakly. He can’t be seen as weak, because he is actually weak isn’t he? He never does anything right but Aaron needs him to he strong, he needs to show Aaron how much of a goos person he actually is. He can’t show Aaron how pathetic and fat and unfit he is. 

“ Don’t lie to me! “ Aaron screams at him frustrated. 

“ I’m not lying! “ Robert pushes out angrily as his breathing is bit more better than it was 2 minutes ago. He needs to keep up this- act. Aaron can’t know about his pills he has hidden them well, he can’t know about the tissues and razor because he has hidden them carefully. 

Aaron chucks the box of pills against Robert’s damp chest, he watches the horror on Robert’s face when he sees them sitting there on the floor. This can’t be happening, Aaron has found out, he has found his pills and now he is going to chuck Robert out because he has discovered how weak he is. He had one fucking job and he has failed yet again. 

“ explain these then, fucking explain your clothes that are size 8,7 and 6 then? Explain why you have a razor covered in blood in your beside draw with bloody tissues on, explain why you have been running for hours and not eating. Why you have lost so much weight?! “ Aaron hisses in his his face angrily and upset with Robert for even doing this, for not talking to him about his problems instead finding comfort in hurting himself. Robert is the good one, Robert is the strong one he isn’t weak like Aaron. 

“ I haven’t - I haven’t lost weight - “ he tells him spaced out, his head feeling light. He hasn’t lost any weight, he is still fat, still chubby and still fucking ugly. Why can’t he do anything correctly? This was easy, not eating, running for hours but he can’t even seem to do that. Aaron must think he is so pathetic. 

“ You have Robert! You have lost so much weight that you are just skin and bones! “ Aaron nearly screams in frustration. Why isn’t Robert listening? Why can’t he see he has lost weight? Why doesn’t he seem to care about himself anymore? 

That’s the point now, Robert doesn’t care anymore, he has noticed how he no longer has any weight on him. He has noticed the nearly infected deep cuts, he has noticed the many-many scars and cuts with the added burnt skin. He doesn’t care about his body anymore. It’s like an ache in his brain and he needs to carry on running to lose more weight. He has the constant itch to self - harm because he needs to take away the emptiness and feel pain. It is to remind himself to keep the weight off not to gain even a pound, he needs to remind himself how much of a fuck up he is and why he should be grateful Aaron is letting him in his life. 

“ I - I haven’t lost weight - “ Robert tells him weakly feeling himself go light headed. The whole room is spinning and swimming till he feels like he is about to collapse. 

“ Stop lying! “ Aaron screams in frustration, he wants to shake Robert to get into his head that he has lost weight. He wants to wipe away the denial from him. “ Why can’t you see how much weight you have lost?! “ he doesn’t have the chance to carry on when Robert’s eyes roll back of his head, then he’s falling to the floor in a heap as Aaron tries to reach him. “ No - no Robert wake up please god - Rob - Why have you done this? “ Aaron cries clutching his husbands unconscious frame. He can’t string a proper sentence together too distressed seeing his husband laying on the floor looking like death. 

Liv comes down the spiral staircase hearing Aaron’s shout. She frowns about to ask her brother when she sees Robert laying on the floor unconscious. 

“ What’s - Robert! “ Liv shouts seeing her brother crying holding his husband in his arms. 

“ Call - call the ambulance - “ He stammers out to her unable to move can’t be away from Robert, can’t leave him for even a second. Liv rushes to the phone and dials 999, speaking fast till she puts the phone down and waits for the ambulance as Robert is still unresponsive. 

“ Wha - what’s happened? Why has he fainted? “ She asks him scared. 

“ He’s hardly been eating, he - he’s been running - I don’t - don’t know the whole story but - “ Aaron stops hearing the ambulance sirens he feels so relieved. Liv rushes to the door letting them in.   
Everything comes to a blur and he can’t remember anything till he realises the female paramedic speaking to him when he is about to go into the Ambulance. 

“ who are - “ 

“ I’m his husband. “ He tells her shortly and sits beside his husband clutching his hand tighter than ever. He brings his husbands limp hand to his mouth as he whispers repeating words against their inter-whined fingers. 

-/- 

Aaron was waiting in the waiting room anxiously, beyond that. The Doctors and Nurses didn’t let him in with Robert and avoided him since Aaron shouted at them through built up stress. He was starring at the hospital floor with his leg bouncing up and down vigorously, hands together against his mouth a million and one scenarios running through his brain. 

“ Mr Sugden - Dingle? “ The Doctor stands just 3 feet away from him. He recognises him when Aaron was asking every doctor and nurse frantically about Robert. 

Aaron bolts up instantly looking terrified by the Doctors hesitant face. He is probably used to this isn’t he? 

“ Is he - “ 

“ I would prefer to speak in private. “ The Doctor tells him before walking away to the room Aaron walking suit.   
This is really bad, really really bad is what goes through Aaron’s head repeatedly. 

“ When Robert was brought in, we noticed how underweight Mr Sugden - Dingle is, he is severely malnourished.. “ the Doctor informs Aaron firmly.   
“ Have you noticed him not eating? “ he asks the brunette man and Aaron feels like he is judging him. 

“ I - yeh but I tried to get him to eat - but I - I couldn’t always - your judging me aren’t you? “ Aaron’s voice breaks. 

“ No I’m not, it is hard to get someone to eat especially when they might be hiding their food or making themselves sick. “ 

“ He is okay though? “ Aaron asks him fearful. 

The Doctor takes a deep breath. “ His heart stopped twice because of the strain it’s under from Robert not eating and the excessive running. “ 

Aaron wipes away tears feeling his own heart clench, he nearly lost his husband twice. Twice. He would be a widower by now if they couldn’t restart the heart. 

Aaron frowns his brain processing the last information.   
“ How do you know he has been excessively running? “ he only finds out Robert running today the first time, but that instantly know? He feels such a idiot for not seeing the signs, it was like he was walking around with his eyes closed. 

“ because Robert has multiple cuts and bruising on his feet. It must have been terrible agony for Robert to walk around or even run. “ he tells him concerned. “ This is a type of self injury or type of self harm that Robert is using, people with Eating Disorders do usually use this technique to lose weight - “ 

Eating Disorder.   
Robert has an Eating Disorder.   
Is it his fault? Did he not show more attention to Robert? How can he miss the signs? Why has it only taken him now to find out? 

“ What type of Eating Disorder does he have? “ 

“ He may have Anorexia Nervosa or be Bulimic, however we need to do multiple Mental Health assessments and tests on Robert to see what mental illness he currently has. “ 

Aaron starts to silently cry the information too much for him to handle. His beautiful, cocky, confident, good looking husband has a Eating Disorder and using self - harm mechanisms. How could it have gotten this bad? 

The Doctor takes another deep breath getting ready to ask another question. “ Has Robert got form of self - harming himself? Or any last history of self - harm? “ he asks Aaron. 

He frowns, shakes his head.   
“ no, he hasn’t ever self - harmed. Why? “ he fearfully asked. 

“ We saw his arms covered in cuts and scars, the same as his stomach. “ Aaron gasps through a silent cry. “ We also saw Robert’s skin is burnt which looks like he has been standing or sitting in very hot water for a short or long period of time. “   
Aaron just cries against his hands the pain unbearable.   
“ He may have to stay in hospital for few weeks because of muscle loss, we will need to build up his immune system again and make him fit enough to go home. However, we do need do tell Robert all this and if he does refuse treatment his choice won’t be considered because he is currently at harm of himself. “ 

“ He’ll be sectioned? “ Aaron chokes out. 

“ Only if Robert refuses treatment. “ 

Aaron nods his head slowly his voice not working because he feels like he is about to break out into another sob. 

“ Would you like to see him? “ The Doctor asks Aaron hesitantly. Aaron nods his head numbly and follows the Doctor when he walks out to Robert’s room. “ We will be needing a talk with Robert when he is awake, we can offer support services, however, if Robert does not accept help we will make that decision for him under the Mental Health Act. We will be telling Robert the same when he is more alert. “   
Aaron nods his head again unable to speak. The Doctor walks away giving Aaron a small smile.   
Aaron takes a deep breath before opening the door slowly, not wanting to see what lies in front of him. He can’t handle seeing Robert on loads of tubes and machines because it will break Aaron even more.   
He walks in and instantly wants to wrap his husband up in his arms already. Robert is asleep with a IV drip connected to his hand, a enteral nutrition leading into his stomach and a heart monitor wires connected to his chest, legs and arms. How has it gotten this bad? Is what Aaron keeps thinking to himself, months ago they were perfect, Robert was perfect and healthy and now he’s in hospital with a eating disorder and self harming. What went wrong? 

Aaron sighs softly blinking away tears and being careful of Robert’s hand when he holds it. He gazes at the scars and cuts along his arms, knowing Robert has more under his hospital gown. What if Aaron found out sooner? All of this wouldn’t be happening right now. Instead, they would be happy still and would be laying in bed settled, not Robert laying in hospital. 

Aaron plays with Robert’s wedding ring noting how it is very easy to play with because Robert’s fingers are thin.   
Robert’s hand twitches and Aaron sits up straight looking so relieved. 

“ Robert - “ he lets out with a small smile. 

Robert moves his head to the side before looking back at Aaron. “ mhmm. “ he half groans. 

“ You’re okay - “ How is it okay? Runs through Aaron’s head. “ your in hospital Rob. “ 

Robert blinks several times before focusing on Aaron’s worried, broken face. You have done this to him again. Failure. 

“ Why I’m I here? “ He croaks out. 

“ You fainted Rob. “ 

Oh again? Nothing important then. 

“ When can I go home then? “ He asks Aaron not bothered at all. 

Aaron frowns by Robert’s not at all concerned mood. “ You can’t go home Robert - “ he tells him firmly with a frown not knowing why Robert doesn’t seem bothered by any of this. 

“ why? “ 

Why? All I did was faint like a stupid idiot I am. Causing more stress again. Well done Robert. 

When Aaron is about to speak Robert butts in. “ What’s this? “ he asks confused touching the wire in his stomach. 

Aaron gently guides his thin hand away and holds him. “ It’s leading into your stomach, you are malnourished and you need nutritions because you haven’t been eating. “ 

Robert scoffs. He longer cares anymore about what happens to him. All he needs to do is run and run till he collapses again. 

“ How the fuck is this funny Robert? “ Aaron asks him firmly, angry at him for thinking this is a joke. 

It is a joke. Haven’t been eating? good! He can’t have any more food or he’ll turn even fatter. Another thing to add to his horrendous flaws. 

“ Are you being serious?! “ Aaron asks him half sad half angry, not at Robert but what he is saying about himself. How can he believe any of this? 

Robert’s eyes widen in shock he didn’t even realise that he said all that out aloud. How can he be so stupid? He can’t even think in his head without accidentally saying it out loud! 

Robert shrugs his shoulders.   
“ Does it really matter? “ he asks him serious not processing the stunned look on Aaron’s face. “ I don’t need help Aaron, I am fine. “ 

“ You are not fine! You have been admitted to hospital because you fainted from running! Your heart stopped twice from the strain of how underweight you are! - “ 

“ I’m not underweight! - “ 

“ Ooh Robert! “ Victoria rushes in terrified from what she’s heard and what the Doctor has told her. She rushes to her brothers side and goes to give him a hug when he pulls away. 

Liv and Chas come in shortly after equally saddened by what the Doctor told them. They all feel terrible for not doing anything sooner. 

“ Why is everyone here? “ Robert asks him frowning.   
Why do they suddenly care about him? Shouldn’t they be celebrating that he is in hospital? That apparently he’s ‘ lost ‘ weight? That might actually be a good thing? Being underweight, isn’t that what everyone wanted? 

“ You fainted, “ Liv points out. “ You have a Eating Disorder- “ 

“ No I don’t. “ 

Victoria turns to her brother again. “ Yes you do Robert, explain why you are beyond skinny? “ 

He feels suffocated. Too many people close to him. Too many voices going around his head. They know. They know everything. He’s going to be found out. 

“ Robert breathe! “ 

He is going to be disowned. He is weak. A failure. No one will love him. 

“ Help! He’s not breathing! “ 

He is still fat isn’t he? He will always be fat. Aaron won’t love him anymore. He’s a hassle. He should of died. 

“ Robert calm down for us okay?” 

He doesn’t care anymore. But his brain always is a miles ahead of him. He can’t decide what he wants. A failure.   
Weak.   
Disappointment.   
Coward  
Has- 

“ He’s fainted. “ The Nurse informs. “ put the oxygen mask onto him. “ 

“ He - he just had a major panic attack! “ Victoria lets out horrified. They have never seen Robert have a panic attack, especially today as he was hyperventilating and making himself collapse. 

“ Will he be okay? “ Liv fearfully asks quietly. 

“ He will be love, “ The Nurse tells her with a sweet smile. She tucks the blanket back over Robert. She checks the wires are all still connected and the oxygen mask before moving away from Robert who’s sleeping. 

“ This is our fault. “ 

“ It is not any of your fault. Robert is ill, any individual can lie and hide things from family members. “ She informs them firmly. “ I think it is best to leave Robert to rest, everyone has had a very stressful day and you need to look after yourself for the mean time. “ 

Chas looks at Liv and gently touches her arm. “ Come on Love, lets go to the canteen and get something to eat. “ she tells her softly noting how Liv looks terrified by what she has just seen. They walk out of the room and Liv completely breaks down into Chas’s arms. She wants her Robert back. 

Aaron and Victoria refuse to leave. They sit opposite sides of Robert and wait for him to wake up.


	8. Chapter 8

Robert stirred awake and groaned slightly feeling something tug from his arm, he felt uncomfortable with a light blanket draping over him on a rock hard bed. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room noting he is in hospital, Aaron by his side with his sleeping head on the mattress holding his hand. Robert frowned, why is he here? Before yesterday events came flooding in and he had a plummet of bricks hitting in his chest full of hatred and resentment. He is causing more hassle for everyone isn’t he? He is probably here because he got too fat that he collapsed and now needs to lose all this weight. He makes a nasty noise the back of his throat and he slowly gets out of the bed trying not to make noise. However, Aaron notices the loss of presence and he looks up and sees Robert standing by the window looking like w deer caught in headlights. Aaron stretches and stands up slowly walking towards his husband with soft yet concerned expression. 

“ You okay rob? “ Aaron asked gently regretfully admitting he doesn’t know how to be around his husband, only because he doesn’t want to upset him. 

“ fine. When can I go home? There isn’t any point me being here. “ Not just meaning in the hospital. “ If I need to lose weight I can just do it at home.” Robert told him annoyed. 

Aaron frowned. “ Lose weight? Do you know how much you actually weigh? “ he sounded angry.

“ Yeh I weigh a ton, probably 18 stone or something. “ He said simply. No wonder he is eventually in hospital because his body got so exhausted of carrying the fat. 

“ You weigh 103 pounds. That is 6 stone and 5 lbs. you are beyond underweight for a man your age and height. “ He told the information from what the doctor told him. Aaron is frustrated and angry not understanding why Robert is so adamant about him not losing weight. How can he not see it? 

All Robert hears is the 103 pounds, he still weighs so much. How has he gotten himself like this? 

“ Only? Aaron! I weigh a hundred and three pounds! How is that underweight? “ Robert nearly shouts angry. 

“ Because a man your age should be a hundred and seventy five pounds! You have lost loads of weight which is causing your body to strain from lack of eating! “ 

Robert shakes his head angrily not wanting to hear this bullshit. He is overweight, that’s it, end of discussion. He doesn’t know why people are making out this is such a big deal? People don’t care about people like him, he just wants to be left alone. 

“ I’m bored of this now, “ Robert tells him plainly. “ Where is the Doctor? “ 

“ He said he’ll visit you in an hour. “ 

Robert sighs heavily and sits back on the bed looking at his arm seeing the now clean cuts on the skin. He traces them feeling the plucked skin, sending a shiver down his body needing to pick at it making it draw blood. Aaron is watching nervously ready to pounce if Robert starts reopening his cuts. When Aaron found out Robert is using this type of self harm it physically broke him. He didn’t ever want his husband going through what he went through, and if he did Aaron would help him through everything. But he didn’t know. That will always make him cry, he is here now, he eventually knows and he will do anything to help Robert. However tough he will be there. 

“ Liv, Vic, Chas are worried about you. “ Aaron commented needing to break the silence. 

“ Why? “ 

Aaron feels his chest ache even more. “ Because they love you and everyone is worried about ya. “ 

Robert seems unconvinced.   
“ Right. “ 

“ Why have you been doing this Robert? “ Aaron can’t help but to ask nearly pleading. 

“ Why do you care? “ Robert asks him frowning. “ No one cares about the fat ugly man do they? “ 

“ Stop saying that! You are not fat or ugly! “ 

“ Yes I am! My face is disgusting as well as my body! I am disfigured and fat that I should be in the ground than alive! “ 

Aaron soft cries into his hands.   
“ Please Rob stop saying this, you are perfect. “ he chokes out crying against his hands. 

“ No I’m not. You know it everyone knows it. “ 

“ No you are wrong, why are you keep speaking like - “ 

“ Because you and Liv callin’ me fat in the woolpack! “ 

Aaron starred stunned. “ No we never - “ 

“ Robert is heavy weight, We couldn’t lift him up. “ Robert recalled the names bitterly.   
“ Remember now do you? “ he comments when Aaron’s face falls. 

“ Robert we were only joking. “ He tells him upset. 

“ No you weren’t. It doesn’t matter anyway I know I’m fat so you got what you wanted. “ 

“ Got what i wanted? “ Aaron repeated confused, his voice barely a broken whisper. 

“ Me to loss weight so I do and now I’m in fucking hospital. “ Robert laughs shaking his head. 

Aaron frowns giving him a look.   
“ You have a eating disorder, you are self harming yourself, of course you are in bloody hospital. “ Aaron hisses at him angry. 

“ No one cares Aaron. I have been doing it for months and no one noticed did they? They wouldn’t notice if I died. All this stuff your sprouting off is bullshit. “ Robert spits out annoyed. 

Aaron blinks away tears guilty.   
“ And I’m sorry for that, okay? I did notice something off but I didn’t know how to help ya or what to do. “ He told him helpless. 

Robert shrugs his shoulders unbothered not wanting to talk anymore. He looked down at his hands and subconsciously played with his wedding ring silently. Aaron was in his own world, too guilty to function. He should have taken more action with his husband to help him more. To show his love more but instead it felt he was walking around with his eyes closed. Now, Robert was laying on a hospital bed fragile and broken. 

The 10 minutes of silence was unbearable with the constant sighs from Robert and with him playing with his wrist band. Aaron watching him not wanting to miss a thing now. They didn’t talk, it felt like there was this massive gap between them now and Aaron hates it. Will they ever be okay? 

The door opens when both men look up its Robert’s Doctor holding a clipboard to his chest.   
“ Good morning Mr Sugden. “ he greeted with a polite smile.   
“ When you were brought in yesterday we found lots of wounds on you, self inflicted, of which some were infected fortunately we cleaned them up and aren’t that much of a concern. “ he informs Robert firmly but he stares blankly right back at him. “ Do you know how much you weigh Robert? “ he asks him needing to know. 

“ 18 stone. “ Robert tells him simply. 

The Doctor looks stunned to say the least, so does Aaron. That figure is a large number and it’s quite concerning when someone thinks they weigh that much. 

“ Do you see yourself like that? “ 

“ yeh. “ 

The Doctor nods his head slowly and writes down the information on his clipboard.   
“ Do you know what your actual weight is? “ he waits till Robert shrugs his shoulders. “ 6 stone 10 lbs. “ he comments heavily.   
“ That is beyond underweight and your heart was shrugging when you were brought in. We were very concerned if you were going to make it or not. The word I would use in this case was fragile. “ 

Robert scoffs. “ I am not fragile, I am not underweight. “ 

“ Rob your skin and bones. How can you not see it? “ Aaron asks him concerned. 

“ All I see if how fat I am - how ugly I am and how I should be punished for it. “ Robert tells them emotionless. 

The Doctor frowns. “ Punished?” 

Robert sighs heavily starting to get angry at this game of theirs. “ I don’t need help okay! I want to go home. “ Robert demands. 

“ You cannot go home, you’re too skinny to function - “ 

“ Robert please just see what we’re seeing - “ 

Robert ignores them, his head getting full of angry thoughts of hatred about how he has put himself into this situation.   
Robert jumps of the bed and ignores himself from stumbling into the light blue wall, he yanks off the attached wires on his arm glaring at the two panicky individuals in the room. 

“ I DON’T NEED HELP! “ he screams. “ You are feeding me more calories making me fatter!” 

“ Robert we are giving you nutritions - “ The Doctor tells him matter of factly. 

“ Rob just get back into bed okay? “ Aaron gently tells his husband slightly distressed. 

“ No - no you - are making me worse! Your making me gain more weight! “ 

“ Robert, We are only here to support you okay? We’re not against you, or anyone else - “ The Doctor calmly told Robert. 

 

Robert shook his head frantically. “ No! No - “ he panted, Black dots covering his vision. “ You - your lying - I want -“ 

“ Robert? “ Aaron worriedly called him seeing his husband lacking energy. 

“ Robert do you want to sit down? “ The Doctor asked concerned walking slowly towards him, Robert weakly shakes his head but collapses to the floor. 

He’s fainted.


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron sits numbly on the hospital chair with his leg bouncing gazing at the bed. When the nurses and doctors reattached the wires to Robert again and wrapped him up in the blanket again, Aaron had a emotional breakdown outside the hospital. He didn’t care about the looks he was given because his Robert has a serious mental health illness and not even the doctors fully know how to help Robert.   
Aaron did come back to his husbands room and looked at his phone making no reaction. Victoria and Chas are on their way to the hospital and really? Aaron wanted to be alone, just him and Robert considering he is asleep. Robert scared Aaron before his collapse. Robert didn’t sound or look like his Robert, he looked frantic mad even with the added hollowness to his body. How could he not have seen it? 

“ hiya love “ Chas popes through the door nervously. She has this smile on her face and Aaron tell it’s not genuine, she’s as scared as he is. 

“ How’s he doing? “ She asks, her face slightly paled seeing the cuts, blisters and scars over Robert’s arms. How his skin looks like it’s clinging onto his bones for dear life. 

“ considering he collapsed from a panic attack “ Aaron points out with a slight bitterness to his words. “ no he isn’t fine. “ 

“ I was only asking love. “ 

Aaron sighs heavily. “ I’m sorry mum, it’s just - I don’t know how to deal with the fact that my husband has a eating disorder, been self harming himself and might have body dysmorphia“ 

“ I know it is a lot to take in but all Robert needs right now is you Aaron. “ 

Aaron shot his head up growing harshly at her. “ don’t you think I know that? “ he harshly asked her. 

“ Love, I just meant with your own mental health you need to talk to other people as well. “ 

Aaron scoffed looking back at his husband and ignored her.   
Why do people always bring it back to him? Why do they always care more about I’m than his husband? 

Chas stood awkwardly by the bed and she walked around to hold Robert’s left hand. She sees him like her son now and watching Robert sleep looking so fragile breaks her heart. 

“ Victoria should be here any minute now, she’s just parking the car. “ 

Aaron barely nods his head. 

“ How long has he been - “ 

“ months it looks like. “ 

God. “ Why didn’t we see anything sooner? “ She asks more to her self than Aaron. 

“ Maybe because we didn’t want to notice anything wrong, we wanted everything to be normal and kept our eyes closed probably. “ Aaron huffed. 

Victoria walks into the room with tears in her eyes heartbroken.   
“ what happened to him? “ she asked through tears. 

“ He’s got a eating disorder and been self harming himself for months. “ Chas told her knowing Aaron wasn’t listening. 

“ Why? I don’t understand? “ Victoria choked out confused.   
“ He is always so confident about himself - “ 

“ He said that he thinks he is fat and me and Liv called him fat, but we were only joking around.” Aaron explained guilt written. 

“ Why would you joke about that? “ Victoria asked appalled.   
“ How is it funny to joke about someone’s weight? “ 

“ the context was about us unable to lift Robert up from the couch and I only said I thought I was used to lifting up heavy weight. “ Aaron explained.   
“ and Liv jokingly called him heavy. “ the realisation now dawning onto him. “ my god this is my fault! “ he cried into his hands. 

Victoria sighed and rubbed his upper back. “ No it’s not - “ she told him calmly. “ yeh you only joked around but you didn’t know he was suffering with his mental health. “ 

“ Vics right love. “ Chas added, seeing her son’s face. 

“ But I should have seen it! I’m his husband! “ 

Chas visibly swallowed down the lump in her throat. “ Aaron, look at me. “ she strongly told him and Aaron slowly looked up from crying. “ When you were younger I didn’t know you were self harming, and afterwards I found out i despised myself because I didn’t know - “ 

“ has this got a point? “ Aaron interrupted tiredly. 

Chas clicked her jaw. “ the point is you, or anyone else, wouldn’t have known about what was going on with Robert. He hid it too well. “ 

“ But I live with him, I sleep in the same bed as him though. “ Aaron frustratingly told them.   
“ I feel like I’ve been walking around with my eyes closed. “ 

Robert shifted and Aaron immediately was on his feet holding his husbands hand as he shifted uncomfortably. 

“ mmm ‘ Aaron.... “ 

“ Hey, hey it’s okay. “ Aaron shushed softly brushing the hair from Robert’s forehead. 

“ What - What happened? “ Robert mumbled disoriented. 

“ You fainted. “ 

He huffed. 

“ Robert why did you do this? “ Victoria asked him.

Robert grumbled something under his breath but all of them heard it. “ Because I’m worthless. “ 

“ You are not, please just talk to us. “ Chas told him concerned. 

Robert rolled his eyes. “ why do any of you even care? I’m a waste of oxygen. Nobody cares about the fat disfigured bloke. “ 

Everyone frowned. “ Disfigured?” Victoria repeated.   
“ You are not disfigured. “ 

“ or fat. “ Chas added. 

“ there isn’t anything wrong with you Robert. Why don’t you get this? “ 

“ because look at me! I’m hideous and I wanted to show myself how much I should suffer! I should go and kill myself because how disgusting and obese I am! “ Robert shouted, accidentally letting them know the darkest secrets of his insecurities. 

“ you really believe that? “ Aaron let out slowly. 

Robert started to curl himself into a ball hiding himself.   
“ it doesn’t matter. “ 

“ of course it does, you know that isn’t right to feel like that don’t you Robert? “ Chas told him heartbroken. 

“ Why do you even care? You only care about Aaron, you wouldn’t give two stuffs if I died. “ Robert told her in a muffled voice. 

Chas gently put her hand onto his stick of a arm hating how he flinched. “ I see you as my son Robert, I’ve grown to love you. I care about you and I hate how you think these terrible things. “ 

Robert cried into the pillow.   
How can she say this? Didn’t she once admit she wanted him dead? 

“ You need help Robert. “ Victoria told her brother after the silence but his broken cries filling the room. 

“ I’m fine. I don’t want help. “ he choked out. He can’t cope with the looks and the people knowing about him. He’s weak. They are laughing at him, everyone is laughing at him at the massive joke up. 

Aaron gave Victoria and Chas a pointed look and they left the room in silence. He wants to see if he can get through to his husband on his own. He doesn’t want to overcrowd him. 

Aaron pulled up the chair to the bed and he sat down holding Robert’s hand tightly in a hold. 

“ please talk to me, I need to know what’s going through your head. “ Aaron told him desperate. 

The blonde sighed. “ you don’t want to know. “ 

“ why? “ 

“ because I’m wasting your time. “ 

Aaron squeezed his hand. “ You are not wasting my time. You are my husband and I’m meant to be with you throughout everything. Messed up forever right? “ he smiled weakly. 

“ definitely that aren’t I? “ Robert muttered. 

Aaron sighed softly and closed his eyes. 

“ It helps. “ Robert started off quietly. Aaron stroked Robert’s hand to carry on talking. “ The - the cutting. “ Robert cleared his throat. 

“ and the running? “ Aaron added softly, Robert saw no hatred or anger just pure love and concern in Aaron’s eyes. But even that made Robert want to curl up in a ball even more, why is he here? 

Robert nodded his head against the pillow, letting Aaron stroke his hand now emotionally and mentally exhausted from everything. He just wants to go away now, had enough of everything. 

“ Why didn’t you go and talk to me? “ 

“ Because- I don’t know. “ 

Because I don’t want to waste your time.   
Because I’m a waste of space and I just want to disappear.   
I want you to forget about me and make it hurt less. 

“ I know you’re lying Robert. “ 

Robert ignored him. The suffocating feeling now unbearable, too many people know now and they’re going to laugh at him. He’s scared. 

“ I’m tired now. “ Robert told him quietly, pulling away his hand from Aaron grip putting his hands next to his chest. 

Aaron made a ‘oh‘ face and coughed to clear his throat just wanting to cry. There’s like this gap between him and Robert now, he doesn’t know how to help his husband. It feels like Robert is floating away from him, from their life. Will he ever get his husband back? 

“ I’ll be back later okay? “ Aaron told him forcing a small smile. Robert nodded his head letting the tear run down his nose onto the pillow. Aaron placed a kiss to his husbands forehead and left the room to go outside for a moment to himself. 

Robert blow out a deep breath, his chest heavy. He needs to go tonight. It’s time. 

/-/ 

Aaron woke up groggy frowning at the empty bed. He sat up seeing the room empty, he felt panicked and he went out to find one of the nurses. 

“ Err excuse me, has Robert gone to the toilet? “ he asked one of the female nurses but she frowned at him. 

“ No? all the toilets are empty? “ she answered. “ He’s left his bed? “ now she sounds panicked making Aaron feel more anxious. “ We need to do a search for him. “ 

10 minutes later Aaron was rushing around the ward till a visitor told the nurse they have seen a figure on top of the roof. Aaron couldn’t breathe, it went all in slow motion and the nurses and doctors found Robert standing at the edge of the roof. 

“ Robert, what are you doing? “ Aaron asked him, unknowing what to say. 

Robert ignored him, he carried on looking out at the lights filling the black sky. It’s a clear night tonight making the stars shine bright. 

“ Robert come back from the edge. “ The Doctor told him calmly. 

“ I want to be peaceful. “ Robert commented. “ I want everything to stop. “ 

“ You can do that but all you have to do is come back from the edge. “ Aaron replied slowly walking towards him. 

“ I don’t want this. I want everything to stop! It hurts to much! “ Robert cried out distressed. He turned to face Aaron. “ STAND BACK! “ 

Aaron stops dead in his tracks. 

“ I’m sorry. “ Robert whispered. 

He goes to fall. 

“ NO! ROBERT!! “

**Author's Note:**

> Would you like me to carry on?  
> I do not think Robert is fat at all, everything is how he feels about himself. He isn’t fat in this, he is the normal weight on the show. However, he thinks he is fat/chubby. 
> 
> Criticism is welcome but please stay respectful, if I do make a mistake in this.


End file.
